^ i want to blog about that.
But atm all im thinking about is the gratefulness i have for the parts of school i enjoy. I love my sports teams. And i love music. I adore them. I love my family within the wrestling team, and i love my Select Chorale with my life. Today was the Winter Concert 2011. Select Chorale 2011, killed it, THREE Standing ovations. Impeccable intonation, sound quality, beautiful selection of Music. I love Mr. Ed Norris Aka (Babyface) <-- insider joke with the Select Chorale and Dr. Laria. Our repertoire for today was
Randell Thomson with "The Last Words of David"
"HE THAT RULETH OVER MEN, MUST BE JUST"
All My Trials
"TOO LATE MY BROTHERS, Too late but nevermind"
Circle of Life (We are the third Choir in the World to ever sing this piece/Arrangement)
"dooo dooo DOO DOO. Arpeggios. LIFE IN THE CIRCLE, IN THE CIRCLE, IN THE CIRCLE OF LIFE, AND IT MOVES US ALL..."
Erick Whiticre with "Lux Arumque"
"LUUUUUUUUUU (down a half step for sound clusters) ksxx... CA LI DA.. GRA VIS CUEY"
Ashely and Holy Night (HPS Girl, like a little angel from heaven with beautiful voice"
"OOOOOHHH HOLY NIGHT, JOY TO THE WORLD. AH AHH AHH"
Praise His Name (Shania Solo)
"SING TO THE POWER OF THE LORD COME DOWN, SHOUT HALLELUJAH. PRAISE HIS HOLY NAME""AMAZING GRACE HOW SWEET THE SOUND THAT SAVED A WRETCH LIKE ME... I ONCE WAS LOST BUT NOW AM FOUND, WAS BLIND BUT NOW I SEE HEHEEE"
Hallelujah Chorus ( Alumni Song)
"FOR THE LORD GOD OMNIPOTENT REIGNETH"
I'm thinking about writing an ode to Select Chorale.
Including: When we put on the blazer, perfection is the only option. Something along those lines
Im so thankful for Select Chorale, i love every moment with you guys. Its the most mature, passionate, diverse, talented, heartfelt group i've ever been with. Thanks for giving me that moment to be shared with all of you. Just seeing you all post on GCHS Select Chorale's Facebook, im touched myself. I love this group.
Once again "10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, each arm and leg" "FOR THE FAMILY!" (Jakub Micko)
Wednesday, December 21, 2011
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Ode to Pastor Sang
Pastor Sang Lee!! I miss you so much already!!
I'll forever miss
-your corny jokes
-your reckless driving
-your straining singing muscles
-you running for 40 minutes without stretching
-almost dying by trying parkour so i would read the bible
-how you would call or text me in the morning wishing me a great day.
-I'll miss the person that made a great difference in my life.
I've known you for almost 7 years.
You were the only one willing to pick me up from Long Island on Fridays so i could come to church.
You started the Daily Bread devotional with me about 3 years ago. We became accountability partners, and that allowed me to eventually still read it and send them out daily.
You are the closest Youth Pastor I've been with. You led the NWB for a while. You were there from the beginning to now. Our countless memories since i was 10 years old..
I'll surely miss you Pastor Sang. Oh yeah you are actually officially "Pastor" Sang now. I remember when we just called you Sang. See you in a few years. I might almost be done with college by the time you come back :/
See you soon. Love you Sang!
I'll forever miss
-your corny jokes
-your reckless driving
-your straining singing muscles
-you running for 40 minutes without stretching
-almost dying by trying parkour so i would read the bible
-how you would call or text me in the morning wishing me a great day.
-I'll miss the person that made a great difference in my life.
I've known you for almost 7 years.
You were the only one willing to pick me up from Long Island on Fridays so i could come to church.
You started the Daily Bread devotional with me about 3 years ago. We became accountability partners, and that allowed me to eventually still read it and send them out daily.
You are the closest Youth Pastor I've been with. You led the NWB for a while. You were there from the beginning to now. Our countless memories since i was 10 years old..
I'll surely miss you Pastor Sang. Oh yeah you are actually officially "Pastor" Sang now. I remember when we just called you Sang. See you in a few years. I might almost be done with college by the time you come back :/
See you soon. Love you Sang!
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Transformational Prayer
My dad forwarded me this email a while back. I just read it recently
Lord, transform my mind to think constructive and not destructive thoughts.
Transformational Prayer
Lord, transform my mind to think constructive and not destructive thoughts.
Work with me and teach me how to create and establish a blessed life through my spoken words.
Examine my heart and renew a right spirit within me that I may be able to walk in your true calling over my life.
Let your Holy Spirit remind me to continue to speak life daily and prepare me to walk in my God given fullest potential.
Lord, I speak in faith, calling out to ______________________(the
job, your vision, your goal), that your abundant oils will flow and
prosper the work of my hands.
Doors that were once closed will now be open!
I declare supernatural favor over my ____________________(project,
business, finances) that I may bring you glory in all that I do.
Search me, Lord, that you may use and multiply what I already have.
Purify my heart and help me to take full responsibility over my
life and to stop blaming others for where im at. Thank, Lord, for your
mercy that is new everyday!
I relaease and forgive all those who have hurt me in the past. Allow your oil to flow freely over my life and all my endeavors.
Surround me with people who follow you and that are successfully and divinely appointed to me.
Lord, bless me with a Joshua anointing, that I may have a decided heart like him and that my vision will align with your will.
Thank you for all the blessings you have already released in my
life and help me to keep an attitude of gratitude and to always be
content, yet to continually strive to multiply for your Kingdom.
Beginning today, I will start believing forward and stop looking to the past in comparison.
Thank you, Jesus, for preparing me for the abundance that is to come!
In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Friday, November 4, 2011
Sleepless Nights
Junior year is tough, especially through all the events that occur. Darn this year is killing me. What a downhill spiral which i'm helpless to stop. Too many thoughts been flowing through my head. Failing at everything thing i do, becoming to lazy to attack the assignments required of me. Not prioritized. Thinking about my future. Becoming sad at the thoughts of people. Thinking of Sam and Ate Weng that died in the Philippines. People's birthday's coming up. Not getting enough sleep. Sleeping randomly. In class after pulling an all nighter for catching up on hw. Then pass out a whole day and miss the next days hw... Then memories diffuse into my head as i put a wall of memories upon my wall. Thinking about how the rest of this year will go, how next year will be. How church will be, how the youth will be. There are no more coordinators. The ending of New Wave Band and how no one cares. How busy people have become. How all i kinda want to do is sleep.. Its hard to find joy.. Wth, how will my life be.. Will i fall into complete school with a set of friends? I dont have time to support the church.. I ponder on my life. Will i backslide enough that i wont be prepared for the Philippines? will i be motivated enough to want to do stuff for God. Am i gonna be like that guy in Francis Chan's Fellowship Basic video that finds more family in his gang rather than church. Who will be my family? Darn why am i crying? how do i have enough energy to cry right now? Im running on a cup of coffee from 5 pm yesterday and a sleepless night. I should be studying for my worthless AP American and Calc test first and second period. I shouldnt be thinking of anything else.. If im supposed to listen to my parents your first priority is School. Church and friends and everything else comes second.... What is that supposed to mean? Why AM I SO CONFUSED right now?? Who's my foot hold in life? Who do i look to? Who can hear me? I dont know... Who is tangible that's not in a book form? Who can i guaranteed be able to hold in bed and say i love to? I have a wall full of these memories of school, of church, of God, Missions, Love, Jesus... I have music playing music. Now im reminded when i was in elementary school back in 4th and 5th grade after my first move. I'd wake up in bed rolling, dizzy, unable to know where i was, where i was going, who i was. Just rolling in anguish. Who can help me? I can't even help myself. Jason's life even seems more fun than this perpetual longing for more. What am i going to church for? to have lip service? to learn how to preach to entice people to believe what i believe? to sing music that all sounds the same? to possible raise my faith level so that im good enough for philippines so when i come back i can crash and finally be chill and give into my indwelling sin? Stealing, cheating, terrible language, lust, has sin really crept that much into my life already? Wanting to enjoy a real brawl to test out my strength, to pump up my own pride? Who am i? If i know i am nothing, why am i still trying to be something? To gain the appreciation and recognition of others? Watch me just escape back into my sports.. Its the release i have to all my stress. Running is different, i hate running. it forces you to think, but it's your mind telling the body to not to quit. You can run a few miles and think about your whole life. Wrestling you can exert all you force and be too tired to think. Thats probably why i love sports so much.
But darn. I sound so emo again. sorry for all those who loved my Summer post.. Im thinking too much again.
But darn. I sound so emo again. sorry for all those who loved my Summer post.. Im thinking too much again.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
God you know all things,
and i know, since im reading the book of Romans due to Pastor Sang, the famous verse
Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"
He knows of the 9:2
"I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart"
God help me, and the people around me.
10-13-11 12:27 AM
Today:
-School
-Missed Cross Country Meet
-Posters for Homecoming/ Pep rally
-Aerial attempt.
-Got home at 9pm.
-Fine until 11:50 pm.
and i know, since im reading the book of Romans due to Pastor Sang, the famous verse
Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"
He knows of the 9:2
"I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart"
God help me, and the people around me.
10-13-11 12:27 AM
Today:
-School
-Missed Cross Country Meet
-Posters for Homecoming/ Pep rally
-Aerial attempt.
-Got home at 9pm.
-Fine until 11:50 pm.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Importance of One.
LIFE SUCKS
Haha
Now question is?
"How do i make it not suck for myself?"
Its so easy to point out the short comings in each and every aspect of life.
So easy to throw a cover, a scrim over our eyes on the solutions.
So easy to cast down each and every solution possibly made before it is attempted.
Not leaving a vestigial sense of hope to leech on to.
Our inimical attitude toward our surrounding. Self-centered must be the word.Our evanescent existence slowly fading as we allow ourselves to juxtapose a utopia to imperfection.
A wall, layering oneself within. How is one supposed to break down the wall. A juggernaut is not always gonna come and break it down for one.
So easy to point fingers. Call ourselves unable to do anything, while the power of a human upon another, can drain or empower.
The example of pile of coals. Cannot burn unless ignited. True so that the power of the holy spirit should be our flame. Intrinsically we are meant to burn. Shine light. However, if the coals all decide to be drenched in water, it acts as such of an open faucet upon any spark that comes within us. We may impinge on those who desire to burn as a wildfire.
Attitude. Attitude. Attitude.
Following the multitude into the depths of uncertainty, unwillingness to do work, frivolousness, burning out as everyone has gone though, phases in life is something i have not escaped. When a spark comes, no matter how small it is. It can be tended, encouraged, magnified, imbued, filled with exuberance (which if i was able to articulate all these words in my speech i'd be joyous beyond belief). Ones presence can encourage, such as Barnabas living out his life as encouragement, support, and make ones life easier, or discourage and all fail.
Quick notes: Thank you Sasha for my painful finger tips. For being one to spark some joy in guitar playing. Your presence was able to let me enjoy and endure through some pain. Ending my torpor or inertia or my dismissive attitude toward my ability to play. Just one example how a human life an affect another.
Excuse my vocabulary. I'm attempting to expand it and possibly use it like Easter uses in her everyday speech. Another example of how one may affect another.
Pastor Sang, actually pretty encouraging sometimes to do things. I gotta admit one man's passion for what he does goes a long way. I won't forget the time you tried to parkour the church hallway in attempt to make me read the book of Romans. Which i will read a few chapters now. You almost died for the sake of on soul to read a book for their own benefit. Thanks. Another classic example of ones effect upon another.
I can probably go on and on about those important to my life. I guess if you want one or want to know what difference you made in my life. Text me or email me. I'll know how many people read this by the amount of blog traffic i get haha.
One of the main points of this blog post. Importance of one life, one soul and their ability to change lives no matter how negligible or catastrophic. A choice is always open, to uplift, or degrade, or to be stagnant and cause others to do the same.
Haha
Now question is?
"How do i make it not suck for myself?"
Its so easy to point out the short comings in each and every aspect of life.
So easy to throw a cover, a scrim over our eyes on the solutions.
So easy to cast down each and every solution possibly made before it is attempted.
Not leaving a vestigial sense of hope to leech on to.
Our inimical attitude toward our surrounding. Self-centered must be the word.Our evanescent existence slowly fading as we allow ourselves to juxtapose a utopia to imperfection.
A wall, layering oneself within. How is one supposed to break down the wall. A juggernaut is not always gonna come and break it down for one.
So easy to point fingers. Call ourselves unable to do anything, while the power of a human upon another, can drain or empower.
The example of pile of coals. Cannot burn unless ignited. True so that the power of the holy spirit should be our flame. Intrinsically we are meant to burn. Shine light. However, if the coals all decide to be drenched in water, it acts as such of an open faucet upon any spark that comes within us. We may impinge on those who desire to burn as a wildfire.
Attitude. Attitude. Attitude.
Following the multitude into the depths of uncertainty, unwillingness to do work, frivolousness, burning out as everyone has gone though, phases in life is something i have not escaped. When a spark comes, no matter how small it is. It can be tended, encouraged, magnified, imbued, filled with exuberance (which if i was able to articulate all these words in my speech i'd be joyous beyond belief). Ones presence can encourage, such as Barnabas living out his life as encouragement, support, and make ones life easier, or discourage and all fail.
Quick notes: Thank you Sasha for my painful finger tips. For being one to spark some joy in guitar playing. Your presence was able to let me enjoy and endure through some pain. Ending my torpor or inertia or my dismissive attitude toward my ability to play. Just one example how a human life an affect another.
Excuse my vocabulary. I'm attempting to expand it and possibly use it like Easter uses in her everyday speech. Another example of how one may affect another.
Pastor Sang, actually pretty encouraging sometimes to do things. I gotta admit one man's passion for what he does goes a long way. I won't forget the time you tried to parkour the church hallway in attempt to make me read the book of Romans. Which i will read a few chapters now. You almost died for the sake of on soul to read a book for their own benefit. Thanks. Another classic example of ones effect upon another.
I can probably go on and on about those important to my life. I guess if you want one or want to know what difference you made in my life. Text me or email me. I'll know how many people read this by the amount of blog traffic i get haha.
One of the main points of this blog post. Importance of one life, one soul and their ability to change lives no matter how negligible or catastrophic. A choice is always open, to uplift, or degrade, or to be stagnant and cause others to do the same.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Future Wife, Im Sorry.
Im really upset. For two years now... From October 17, 2009 to 4:50 PM September 9, 2011. I'm really sorry future wife. I was wearing it daily for you. I know I probably have yet to know you, or love you. Just i know you are out there, I will love you dearly. Saving myself for you. I wore that ring daily since October 17th, 2009 to now... barely a day ever skipped.
-I wore it for sleeping, knowing that you'll be next to me one day.
-I wore when i showered, being clean.
-i wore it during Gym in school for the past two years,
-i wore it to church every sunday, cause i know you'll be Christian.
-i wore it Cross Country, knowing i'll be prepping my heart and mind to persist anything we may go through.
-i wore it for Wrestling, that i'll be strong to protect you.
-i even wore it for tennis, but thats just cause i wanted you with me.
-i wore it playing guitar, eating, studying, anything. I am saving myself.
-i brought it across countries, i never thought i'd travel... To Philippines, Taiwan, DR.. Washington DC, All across america.. I wanted to let others know that im waiting for you.
-i know it's just a scrap of silver, but it was something i was holding dearly to my heart. Why else would i wait these hundreds of days. To do everything you can possibly think of. I love you future wife. The ring was also all scratched up, so you had proof i kept you with me. I'm sorry i lost it. I even have a tan line on my ring finger.. I dont know how long that is gonna last. I hope to meet you soon. I'll still be waiting, even though i have no ring.
GOD PLEASE HELP ME FIND MY RING SOON :'(
To my future wife, and God answer me please :(,
Future husband :)
-I wore it for sleeping, knowing that you'll be next to me one day.
-I wore when i showered, being clean.
-i wore it during Gym in school for the past two years,
-i wore it to church every sunday, cause i know you'll be Christian.
-i wore it Cross Country, knowing i'll be prepping my heart and mind to persist anything we may go through.
-i wore it for Wrestling, that i'll be strong to protect you.
-i even wore it for tennis, but thats just cause i wanted you with me.
-i wore it playing guitar, eating, studying, anything. I am saving myself.
-i brought it across countries, i never thought i'd travel... To Philippines, Taiwan, DR.. Washington DC, All across america.. I wanted to let others know that im waiting for you.
-i know it's just a scrap of silver, but it was something i was holding dearly to my heart. Why else would i wait these hundreds of days. To do everything you can possibly think of. I love you future wife. The ring was also all scratched up, so you had proof i kept you with me. I'm sorry i lost it. I even have a tan line on my ring finger.. I dont know how long that is gonna last. I hope to meet you soon. I'll still be waiting, even though i have no ring.
GOD PLEASE HELP ME FIND MY RING SOON :'(
To my future wife, and God answer me please :(,
Future husband :)
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Summer
There is no one stuffing this down our throats to do it. It's no longer homework.
What did we use this blog for to begin with? For our QTs and our weekly lives. Let's start it back up can we?
So what i want to blog about is my summer. And shout outs to friends :)
What do i have planned for the summer?
1. Summer Wrestling (optional 4 days a week)
2. Select Choral Rehearsals and Sectionals (Once a week, if we are not on vacation)
3. Dominican Republic Mission 2011 from July 25th-30th
4. Church
5. Hanging out
6. Events
7. Talking to Friends, Catching up.
8. Etc. Chillen at Home
I miss you Gloria, Rebekah, Kelley! Hope you guys come back soon :)
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Hmm
What to blog about today??....
Nothing emotional today i hope. (For those who say they cry every time i write something)
I want something possibly encouraging, whether by words of wisdom or anything.
But first things first,
I am extremely sunburn... I feel like ANNIE CHEN.. AHH.
-my face
-legs
-arms
-shoulders
-shins
-back
-neck
ALL HURT >:(
I feel like a red indian. That sounds kinda racist, but thats how i feel. Monday 6/27/11
I want to cover some other topics as well.
Since summer has started, as least for me, while others are in school right now, picking up their report cards. A load of school work has been lifted. And as many of you all know, that school work and extracurricular activities strained me to the point of complaint and struggle. Summer feels liberating. But even so, all this freedom that is given to us now, must come with responsibility.... JUST Kidding haha. Summer is short, the whole year is short and time is short. Next year will start soon. For the freshman, they will become sophomores. Sophomores to become Juniors. Juniors to Seniors. And Seniors become High School Grads. I'm excited for this summer. Though for the last 16 years of my life, much has changed and I'm uncertain for the future. I wouldn't want to live just day by day either. Neither looking towards the past. Its certainly looking towards the future, using the past as stepping stones, the present as another step. All that's needed is to persevere till our time is done.
Nothing emotional today i hope. (For those who say they cry every time i write something)
I want something possibly encouraging, whether by words of wisdom or anything.
But first things first,
I am extremely sunburn... I feel like ANNIE CHEN.. AHH.
-my face
-legs
-arms
-shoulders
-shins
-back
-neck
ALL HURT >:(
I feel like a red indian. That sounds kinda racist, but thats how i feel. Monday 6/27/11
I want to cover some other topics as well.
Since summer has started, as least for me, while others are in school right now, picking up their report cards. A load of school work has been lifted. And as many of you all know, that school work and extracurricular activities strained me to the point of complaint and struggle. Summer feels liberating. But even so, all this freedom that is given to us now, must come with responsibility.... JUST Kidding haha. Summer is short, the whole year is short and time is short. Next year will start soon. For the freshman, they will become sophomores. Sophomores to become Juniors. Juniors to Seniors. And Seniors become High School Grads. I'm excited for this summer. Though for the last 16 years of my life, much has changed and I'm uncertain for the future. I wouldn't want to live just day by day either. Neither looking towards the past. Its certainly looking towards the future, using the past as stepping stones, the present as another step. All that's needed is to persevere till our time is done.
Life is life, we should enjoy our time. Look at the creation set before us. The beautiful beaches of cyclic waves. The birds at dawn, chirping at the sun to arise. Singing, flying, dancing, though things are dying. The trees blow with the ever endless wind. Gracefully swaying as everything has a time and seemed to have dimmed. The clouds fly as the wind gently blows. Moving along the sky as the as the day begins to flow. A time of summer has come forth where joy should spring, instead of fall, and winter should not have a ball. Look around us, the trees, the sun, the water, the animals and all creation is before us. Whats to be depressed about? Smile, look today the sun is out, don't look back, and do not pout.
Let's enjoy the day today, for today is fading and tomorrow will say hey. It takes 47 muscles in the face to frown, and only 13 to smile. If anyone wants wrinkles, continue frowning. I'm tired of the world trying to make me frown. Just look up, i don't see enough to make me drown. I will choose to look at the positive, and be effective on the world. To make a smile infectious, to become contagious.
Encouraging I hope. So end that mope.
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
AH This life.
Why do i seem to want to curse life?
I'm so ******* tired..
friday was normal,
saturday was fun,
sunday f*ed my whole week up.
monday it got worse,
tuesday, i got a splitting head ache, and now i can barely open my eyes, or stop this runny nose.
I might not go to school tomorrow.
WHAT THE *. I'm so tired. I cant do any work, I hate this.I feel like giving up on everything.
I'm so ******* tired..
friday was normal,
saturday was fun,
sunday f*ed my whole week up.
monday it got worse,
tuesday, i got a splitting head ache, and now i can barely open my eyes, or stop this runny nose.
I might not go to school tomorrow.
WHAT THE *. I'm so tired. I cant do any work, I hate this.I feel like giving up on everything.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
The Making and Keeping of Commitments By Lewis B. Smedes
Chapter 1 - What do I do when I make a commitment?
What do I do when I make a commitment to someone?
I make an appointment with someone, for some unrestricted time, sometime in his tomorrows, and all
the tomorrows that follow all his yesterdays, tomorrows that neither of us can predict.
I stretch myself into a future neither of us can see, and I plan a rendezvous there with him, and ask him
to trust me to be there.
I reach into the unpredictable times ahead and make one thing predictable; I will be there with him.
But let us stand back a bit and take a longer look.
We have a mystery on our hands, no doubt; Gabriel Marcel was right when he called it that,1 the
mystery of a will that in the face of a universe of contingencies makes one thing incontingent. But an
even greater mystery is this: why should anyone do it? Why would anyone or why should anyone bond
himself or herself so unconditionally to someone in the face of the unknown?
For one thing, after I commit myself, I shall change. I shall be another person one day, different from
the person who makes the commitment today. Yet, when I become that other, that different person, I
intend to be bound by the commitment that this present person is making today.
So, in one bold sense, I am expecting another person to keep the commitment I make today.
The same goes for you, when I commit myself to you. You will not be the same person in the future
that you are today, either. But I am making a commitment to you as you are today that I will be there
with you, whoever you turn out to be tomorrow.
It is the personal changes we pass through on our pilgrimage that make our willingness to make and our
power to keep commitments such a mystery.
And a gamble, too. How can we promise ourselves for the future when we don’t know, cannot know,
what sorts of persons we will be then? Or what life will be like in the time ahead, when the
commitment we made once feels like choking smoke of regretted words after the fire of intention has
died?
But, looking at it another way, the fact that we change is probably why commitment was invented.
Commitments are the only way for free persons to batten down their lives a little, give them some
permanence, some stability in the midst of change—to keep them from being blown away by shifts in
the breezes of mood and the blustery blows of passion. Commitments are one way to put some muscle
into our human relationships, give them some strength to tough out the hard times, ride out the stormy
times. Commitment lifts life a niche beyond impulse, whim, desire, drive, lust, and all the other natural
inclinations that make human relationships so rhapsodic and so painfully unstable.
Change and uncertainty create the problem. Commitment is our surprising solution.
What do I do when I make a commitment to someone?
I make an appointment with someone, for some unrestricted time, sometime in his tomorrows, and all
the tomorrows that follow all his yesterdays, tomorrows that neither of us can predict.
I stretch myself into a future neither of us can see, and I plan a rendezvous there with him, and ask him
to trust me to be there.
I reach into the unpredictable times ahead and make one thing predictable; I will be there with him.
I throw myself into the turbulent ocean of his uncertainties and create an island of certainty there for
him, the certainty of my caring presence.
I create one small space for him to have when all his foundations shake, the space of my promised
presence.
These are a few of the things I do when I make a commitment.But let us stand back a bit and take a longer look.
We have a mystery on our hands, no doubt; Gabriel Marcel was right when he called it that,1 the
mystery of a will that in the face of a universe of contingencies makes one thing incontingent. But an
even greater mystery is this: why should anyone do it? Why would anyone or why should anyone bond
himself or herself so unconditionally to someone in the face of the unknown?
For one thing, after I commit myself, I shall change. I shall be another person one day, different from
the person who makes the commitment today. Yet, when I become that other, that different person, I
intend to be bound by the commitment that this present person is making today.
So, in one bold sense, I am expecting another person to keep the commitment I make today.
The same goes for you, when I commit myself to you. You will not be the same person in the future
that you are today, either. But I am making a commitment to you as you are today that I will be there
with you, whoever you turn out to be tomorrow.
It is the personal changes we pass through on our pilgrimage that make our willingness to make and our
power to keep commitments such a mystery.
And a gamble, too. How can we promise ourselves for the future when we don’t know, cannot know,
what sorts of persons we will be then? Or what life will be like in the time ahead, when the
commitment we made once feels like choking smoke of regretted words after the fire of intention has
died?
But, looking at it another way, the fact that we change is probably why commitment was invented.
Commitments are the only way for free persons to batten down their lives a little, give them some
permanence, some stability in the midst of change—to keep them from being blown away by shifts in
the breezes of mood and the blustery blows of passion. Commitments are one way to put some muscle
into our human relationships, give them some strength to tough out the hard times, ride out the stormy
times. Commitment lifts life a niche beyond impulse, whim, desire, drive, lust, and all the other natural
inclinations that make human relationships so rhapsodic and so painfully unstable.
Change and uncertainty create the problem. Commitment is our surprising solution.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
Dangerous
Is it just me?
Or is it that its too dangerous to have friends?
Too dangerous to trust anyone?
Too dangerous to be able to spill to anyone?
Maybe i'll just bottle all my insecurities and put on that fake mask again, and maybe just give up on it all.
Why not?
Just give up on school, you dont have to give a * on college or your future.
Just give up on church, you dont have to always try to please others, even though they say its for God,
Just give up on sports, its easier to sleep at home right?
Just give up on life, whats the point if every moment you living for others and ....
Just give up on being myself, its to tiring to do everything.
Just give up on speaking, just look at myself, this is so pitiful.
I just want that new start again, a new beginning, back to the beginning, say
"Hey, i'm jerry, how's it going?"
Just try again,
Maybe this friend will be the one i can trust, Nope...NONE on this earth, None will understand, Some will attempt, but None but Jesus i guess.
Well life now i guess is still not that different. I never had a best friend.
Psalm 34:19 A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all;
Or is it that its too dangerous to have friends?
Too dangerous to trust anyone?
Too dangerous to be able to spill to anyone?
Maybe i'll just bottle all my insecurities and put on that fake mask again, and maybe just give up on it all.
Why not?
Just give up on school, you dont have to give a * on college or your future.
Just give up on church, you dont have to always try to please others, even though they say its for God,
Just give up on sports, its easier to sleep at home right?
Just give up on life, whats the point if every moment you living for others and ....
Just give up on being myself, its to tiring to do everything.
Just give up on speaking, just look at myself, this is so pitiful.
"Hey, i'm jerry, how's it going?"
Just try again,
Maybe this friend will be the one i can trust, Nope...NONE on this earth, None will understand, Some will attempt, but None but Jesus i guess.
Well life now i guess is still not that different. I never had a best friend.
Psalm 34:19 A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all;
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Rest In Peace David Wilkerson
FRIDAY, APRIL 29, 2011
“David served the purposes of God in his generation, then he died” (Acts 13:36).
On Wednesday afternoon my father, David Wilkerson, passed away in a car accident. We grieve the loss of a beloved father, a faithful husband and a holy man of God. My mother, Gwen, his wife of 57 years, was in the car also, but we are told she will recover fully.
Dad’s 60-plus years of ministry have impacted the lives of those closest to him and extended to millions around the world. Today we feel a personal loss, but at the same time we rejoice knowing Dad lived life to the fullest, obeying God with devotion and loving Jesus radically.
He was known for his unlimited faith. He believed God could change the lives of gang members and transform the most desperate drug addicts. He believed that a dynamic church could be launched in the heart of Times Square, New York City. He believed he could be a man who loved his wife and children well. And he did.
Dad was not one for fanfare, acclaim or ceremony. He turned down invitations to meet with world leaders yet would give everything he owned to support a poor orphan or a widow in distress.
Like King David of old, Dad served God’s purposes in his generation. He preached with uncompromising passion and relentless grace. He wrote with amazing insight, clarity and conviction. He ran his race well and when his work was done, he was called home.
I don’t think my father would have retired well. I don’t think he was one to sit in a rocking chair and reminisce about times past. I believe that Jesus, knowing this, graciously called him home.
Dad’s last mission on earth was to be an advocate for the poorest of the poor—to provide relief and support for hungry children and widows and orphans. After founding Teen Challenge, World Challenge and Times Square Church, he sought to feed starving children in the most impoverished countries in the world. Today, Please Pass the Bread is saving the lives of thousands of children, through 56 outreaches in 8 countries.
Like King David of old, after having served God’s purpose, he died. I know if my father were able to encourage you with his words today, he would invite you to give your all to Jesus, to love God deeply and to give yourself away to the needs of others.
The works he began outlive him. We can all attest to his impacting us—not only in his preaching, writing and founding of world-changing ministries, but in his love, devotion, compassion and ability to stir our faith for greater works.
Rest In Peace David Wilkerson. I loved your devotional you wrote every day of the week. You surely impacted my life as well as the millions of lives around the world. From Time Square Church in New York City, God used you to the fullest. Your works will go on, as well as your legacy left to glorify God. Thanks for every heart felt writing you wrote that penetrated at my heart! -Jerry Ho-
On Wednesday afternoon my father, David Wilkerson, passed away in a car accident. We grieve the loss of a beloved father, a faithful husband and a holy man of God. My mother, Gwen, his wife of 57 years, was in the car also, but we are told she will recover fully.
Dad’s 60-plus years of ministry have impacted the lives of those closest to him and extended to millions around the world. Today we feel a personal loss, but at the same time we rejoice knowing Dad lived life to the fullest, obeying God with devotion and loving Jesus radically.
He was known for his unlimited faith. He believed God could change the lives of gang members and transform the most desperate drug addicts. He believed that a dynamic church could be launched in the heart of Times Square, New York City. He believed he could be a man who loved his wife and children well. And he did.
Dad was not one for fanfare, acclaim or ceremony. He turned down invitations to meet with world leaders yet would give everything he owned to support a poor orphan or a widow in distress.
Like King David of old, Dad served God’s purposes in his generation. He preached with uncompromising passion and relentless grace. He wrote with amazing insight, clarity and conviction. He ran his race well and when his work was done, he was called home.
I don’t think my father would have retired well. I don’t think he was one to sit in a rocking chair and reminisce about times past. I believe that Jesus, knowing this, graciously called him home.
Dad’s last mission on earth was to be an advocate for the poorest of the poor—to provide relief and support for hungry children and widows and orphans. After founding Teen Challenge, World Challenge and Times Square Church, he sought to feed starving children in the most impoverished countries in the world. Today, Please Pass the Bread is saving the lives of thousands of children, through 56 outreaches in 8 countries.
Like King David of old, after having served God’s purpose, he died. I know if my father were able to encourage you with his words today, he would invite you to give your all to Jesus, to love God deeply and to give yourself away to the needs of others.
The works he began outlive him. We can all attest to his impacting us—not only in his preaching, writing and founding of world-changing ministries, but in his love, devotion, compassion and ability to stir our faith for greater works.Rest In Peace David Wilkerson. I loved your devotional you wrote every day of the week. You surely impacted my life as well as the millions of lives around the world. From Time Square Church in New York City, God used you to the fullest. Your works will go on, as well as your legacy left to glorify God. Thanks for every heart felt writing you wrote that penetrated at my heart! -Jerry Ho-
Friday, April 22, 2011
Short Post
Just listing out what ill blog about later by bloggiing now.
I want to blog about
Camp Deer Park:
My little encouragement picture:
Dry Spells current situation:
Feeling better trying to not depend on the hype :)
Good Friday!! And Easter Sunday :)
I want to blog about
Camp Deer Park:
My little encouragement picture:
Dry Spells current situation:
Feeling better trying to not depend on the hype :)
Good Friday!! And Easter Sunday :)
Monday, April 11, 2011
Blogging?
How deep do i really want to go with this blog? Down into the depths of my soul so i can hear the roar of the waterfall? Deep enough so i can yearn for streams of water like the deer that pants for it?
There are so many things holding onto my soul. A pull back and forth, swaying uncontrollably, shifting into this sequence of seasons and being captured and engulfed inside one. Losing myself in my own aspirations. Losing my foot hold, my identity that i should have in Christ in my ever continuing pursuit. How deep should i dive in with this blog? Should i use it for a place where i can spill my thoughts out like a bottle of ink, waiting to stain a paper? Am i using it for the purpose of replacing another? What is my purpose for this blog? Is the purpose for making myself cry in my own sensitivity, to rethink my steps, to rethink my life, to understand why i am on this earth? I dont want to be like one of those lost souls who just end up following the multitude to the house of the secular. I want to be remember the times of leading the multitude to the house of praise. With joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. I need to understand myself. I need to rebuke myself just as King David done. Just memorizing these bible verses, knowing them by heart, sometimes carrying them out, but not affecting my heart in my dry seasons i have been experiencing more frequently. My soul runs dry? How often have i asked God to Make me a vessel in which i will be like flowing water. Like A vessel of encouragement that i will be encouraged? It seems like a one-sided agreement. How often have i heard, you will become a leader? And now at the current moment, that becoming a reality? Two of my favorite verses are in Psalms 42, and Psalms 1:3, as well as 2 Timothy 1:7. These verses are always in my heart soul and mind. However, these promises i hold on to so dearly still allow me to go through my seasons of drought. Its almost making me feel like i need to back away from everything. Let everything sit for a good week to get my mind straighten out. My life isn't reflecting what God wants. At least from my perspective, This doesnt seem like something God needs. He needs the
Fervent prayer of a righteous man. Not just a corporate prayer every friday where people are forced to come and pray with dry hearts. You cant force anyone to pray. Though prayer is the best solution to a dry spell. But its so hard to carry out.
He needs genuine hearts not just the ones who are in church all the time. From the experience i had in church my whole life. I've only saw a certain few in a pack of slums waiting to be fed. The certain few are the ones who are rising up without provoke. Just seeing the need, and accomplishing it, and growing in the process. I remember hearing that from somewhere. Its truth. There are just people coming to church cause they want friends. They need a community to hang out with, one just to hold events where blow up christians are pumped and deflated.
Those who begin to rise up not be burnt out within the beginning years: How often do all of us get burnt out from QUOTE "Work, BUSY" called being Buried Under Satans Yoke. We start seeing the fog in the path, we become fatigued, we become a campfire rained out. Piling new stresses doesnt cause growth within the youth. Or at least it doesnt cause growth in the YOUTH That Have Been There Longer than most leaders. I really dont see how over stretching becomes helpful. It is School crumbling, Parents yelling at me to complete school first, Parents yelling at how many events are in the Church. For Heavens sake, we are using more than 300$ in less than half a year. Thats way more than our chinese new year money, at least for me. Its crippling to begin with so much burden.
We also need the people who are transparent: The ones able to be see through in and out of church. Those able to be looked up upon. Not in a holy sense like Pastors. Not like ohh hes here or shes here, so lets just pray guys. Look good in front of people.
I know by blogging this, you may say, "You do this" I sometimes dont know myself, enough to lead myself. How am i sometimes capable to lead others? How am i capable when i can barely say a phrase clearly enough for a crowd to have one person say "Repeat that?" All i am is a sensitive person that God Promises to become a leader. I want to lead the multitude, i need God to Direct my path by being my lamp. Dont mistake this the wrong way, sometimes i dont feel called to be in EMC. I'm supposed to go out of "CHURCH" walls. NOT IN But OUT. Or it may just be my current sight of everything. I think too much for my own good as many people i know. I just express it in a way i either seem cocky, blown up, stupid, and awkward. I'm not that charismatic, maybe with adults and older leaders, just hard to lead peers who can probably not give a load.
I'm Still figuring out the purpose of this blog. Am i really using it as a replacement for a person, should i just type these up as drafts and continue bottling it in. My Next post is ready. Its called "Things to Blog About" It just me in my current situation. I'm contemplating on posting it. I feel it over exposes me but since i know that if i post it now, it will become my testimony in the future to furthering God's Kingdom. I'm so burnt out and exhausted.
There are so many things holding onto my soul. A pull back and forth, swaying uncontrollably, shifting into this sequence of seasons and being captured and engulfed inside one. Losing myself in my own aspirations. Losing my foot hold, my identity that i should have in Christ in my ever continuing pursuit. How deep should i dive in with this blog? Should i use it for a place where i can spill my thoughts out like a bottle of ink, waiting to stain a paper? Am i using it for the purpose of replacing another? What is my purpose for this blog? Is the purpose for making myself cry in my own sensitivity, to rethink my steps, to rethink my life, to understand why i am on this earth? I dont want to be like one of those lost souls who just end up following the multitude to the house of the secular. I want to be remember the times of leading the multitude to the house of praise. With joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. I need to understand myself. I need to rebuke myself just as King David done. Just memorizing these bible verses, knowing them by heart, sometimes carrying them out, but not affecting my heart in my dry seasons i have been experiencing more frequently. My soul runs dry? How often have i asked God to Make me a vessel in which i will be like flowing water. Like A vessel of encouragement that i will be encouraged? It seems like a one-sided agreement. How often have i heard, you will become a leader? And now at the current moment, that becoming a reality? Two of my favorite verses are in Psalms 42, and Psalms 1:3, as well as 2 Timothy 1:7. These verses are always in my heart soul and mind. However, these promises i hold on to so dearly still allow me to go through my seasons of drought. Its almost making me feel like i need to back away from everything. Let everything sit for a good week to get my mind straighten out. My life isn't reflecting what God wants. At least from my perspective, This doesnt seem like something God needs. He needs the
Fervent prayer of a righteous man. Not just a corporate prayer every friday where people are forced to come and pray with dry hearts. You cant force anyone to pray. Though prayer is the best solution to a dry spell. But its so hard to carry out.
He needs genuine hearts not just the ones who are in church all the time. From the experience i had in church my whole life. I've only saw a certain few in a pack of slums waiting to be fed. The certain few are the ones who are rising up without provoke. Just seeing the need, and accomplishing it, and growing in the process. I remember hearing that from somewhere. Its truth. There are just people coming to church cause they want friends. They need a community to hang out with, one just to hold events where blow up christians are pumped and deflated.
Those who begin to rise up not be burnt out within the beginning years: How often do all of us get burnt out from QUOTE "Work, BUSY" called being Buried Under Satans Yoke. We start seeing the fog in the path, we become fatigued, we become a campfire rained out. Piling new stresses doesnt cause growth within the youth. Or at least it doesnt cause growth in the YOUTH That Have Been There Longer than most leaders. I really dont see how over stretching becomes helpful. It is School crumbling, Parents yelling at me to complete school first, Parents yelling at how many events are in the Church. For Heavens sake, we are using more than 300$ in less than half a year. Thats way more than our chinese new year money, at least for me. Its crippling to begin with so much burden.
We also need the people who are transparent: The ones able to be see through in and out of church. Those able to be looked up upon. Not in a holy sense like Pastors. Not like ohh hes here or shes here, so lets just pray guys. Look good in front of people.
I know by blogging this, you may say, "You do this" I sometimes dont know myself, enough to lead myself. How am i sometimes capable to lead others? How am i capable when i can barely say a phrase clearly enough for a crowd to have one person say "Repeat that?" All i am is a sensitive person that God Promises to become a leader. I want to lead the multitude, i need God to Direct my path by being my lamp. Dont mistake this the wrong way, sometimes i dont feel called to be in EMC. I'm supposed to go out of "CHURCH" walls. NOT IN But OUT. Or it may just be my current sight of everything. I think too much for my own good as many people i know. I just express it in a way i either seem cocky, blown up, stupid, and awkward. I'm not that charismatic, maybe with adults and older leaders, just hard to lead peers who can probably not give a load.
I'm Still figuring out the purpose of this blog. Am i really using it as a replacement for a person, should i just type these up as drafts and continue bottling it in. My Next post is ready. Its called "Things to Blog About" It just me in my current situation. I'm contemplating on posting it. I feel it over exposes me but since i know that if i post it now, it will become my testimony in the future to furthering God's Kingdom. I'm so burnt out and exhausted.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Things I want to Blog About
Hmm.. THE LAST THREE WEEKS MEGA-HECTIC (Sorry gloria, i plagiarized ur words)
I've been wanting to blog, just never finding time.
AP Exams coming up.. don't know how im going to pass. I'm supposed to be the top of my class. Or like top three. Im taking the second hardest AP in school STUPID AP COMPUTER SCIENCE. I have the second lowest grade in a class of 5 and the highest grade is like an 80.. Mine is passing but in the 70s... i have never failed a course and this is so hard. its either you get it or dont. I might even get a 1 on the exam. im scared.
School is stressing me out. Online school and school school. AP Exams approaching faster than expected. right after spring break are the exams. Rebekah you should feel some of my pain. Online classes require so much discipline. The past few weeks have been so hard
Two weeks ago.. The Worst week of the year. Day one monday: Was sick, couldnt get out of bed for the whole day, stayed in bed for 27 hrs.
Day two tuesday: return to school, im so lost in every class for not being there monday. its called crunch time for exams. I have AP COmputer Science first period. i was half dead in the class sounding like a grouch. This was march 28 or 29 or so.. So third i have another AP. i HATE APs in the morning. i cant think. Im lost in social studies. Then spanish, im good at it so i caught up being half dead. CHORUS. MY NYSSMA PIECE. I didnt know how i could practice it. I felt so sad. "What if i couldnt get better by the week so i can preform my piece the next monday"
Day three wednesday: Columbia university field trip for "Smart" kids. see i put that in quotes. It was raining. Kick off to an amazing week right? my week felt like the rain. raining and out of control. My head spinning and running as if i was jumping on a treadmill trying to keep up. The treadmill is life. me jumping is my efforts in trying to keep up. All work and burdens were like a back pack im carrying as i run. I know of Matthew 11:28. Dont try that on me. By this time of the week, i already missed most of school that week. AND I MISSED THE ONLINE CLASSES DUE DATE >.<
Being sick made me fall behind in everything by over a week and counting.
Day four thursday: went back to school, lost beyond imagination. It rained again i believe. missed tennis practice that started monday.
Day five friday: went to practice, beat everyone on the team besides one person. I was second singles. The only good day i had all week. even though i was still extremely behind in school.
Day SIX SATURDAY DX. I hate my life this saturday. FIRST TIME IN INJURED MY SELF. I rolled, sprained, twisted, fractured my ankle, anything you wanted to call it. It hurt so bad that i could barely walk or ride my bike home with pain. The only thought that kept me going to try to limp was coach believes in me being a wrestler. I'm committed to this team. Its only a month and a half. i can do this. as soon as i got home. i fell off my bike..... felt like dying. took one step toward the door and i fell. got out my keys sitting on the floor. and got it the door suffering as i tried bringing my bike in. After all that.
I suffered with no sympathy from anyone. JUST "ARE YOU OKAY? WHAT HAPPENED?" THE TWO MOST ANNOYING QUESTIONS EVER. That showed nothing. couldnt you see i was limping. No questions of "how can i help? want me to spot you?" just a are you okay? and OH and walked away.
I walked to the bus stop to go to church that day. Hoping to see faces that would inspire me to continue. I walked to the bus stop 10 minutes from my home, but took thirty minutes because i was injured. all i could think of is "i'll be happy as soon as i get to church" "its my responsibility as praise leader" "i need to try to encourage my youth by doing this"
so let me continue on. i walked to the bus stop, just a minute before the bus was about to leave. i got on. found a seat. i left my foot up on the seat because i couldnt handle the blood flow. thirty minutes on the bus a lady just wakes me up, not caring about anything. shoves my foot over. i was about to shout but couldnt. It would be rude. It hurt so bad. i suffered for another thirty minutes till i got to bell and northern.
from there i walked towards the Q27 to transfer. i limped, the lady by my side on the bus got off also. walked in the same direction. she was like 50 feet ahead of me. and she didnt care at all.
That felt worse than not having a meaningful, memorable, thoughtful birthday for the last 16 years of my miserable life.
Just a old grumpy prideful women that could care less about life shoving me to the side.
On arriving to church that saturday, to my surprise, nothing happened. It was melissa just saying get over here and sing. Matthew trying to sympathize saying i sprained my ankle three weeks ago, just ice it. Pastor sang laughing saying, haha look we are alike, i cant walk either. Rebekah just looking at me and just having a sad face on. Aaron being like did you get beat up by freshmens? are you alright? what happened. My sister just saying to me, "i didnt know about it. it your own fault, be more careful," as if i could control that. The worst feeling ever as arriving to a place i thought would be warm and welcoming became a place i rather just avoid. I always have this very mess up ambivalent feeling of almost not wanting to be at church..
My whole week was a mess and that saturday just had to top it off by being the worst.
That was that week. Im gonna put off on blogging about last week. How about saying i got a failing grade on a test in AP. The monday i did alright on my nyssma test. I GOT A (96)!!!! out of a 100. Not perfect but definitely something i was afraid of to see the grade. Level Five Nyssma! I caught up with every class besides my APs. Chem, and online classes. I attempted at playing tennis again, since i got injured, i was forced to play doubles. and i played with my partner. and ran up the ladder of the doubles team. went to church that week, and still not as welcoming as i hoped. i devoted my whole weekend to church that week. I realized that church sort of screws of my week. Or in general my Weekend Screws my week up. I get home by like 12-1am every sunday and by the time i got to wake up at 6. im dead tired and i have to survive school week with a screwed up schedule. Thats when i put my status up. HOW DO I SURVIVE BOTH SCHOOL AND CHURCH? I take too many responsibilities and one week being sick screwed up my whole balance to a fulcrum balancing my whole life.
This week was pretty to sum up.
Played tennis all week.Monday i fought for my spot in singles. i got my spot as third singles!!!
wed, thur, fri, all tennis matches. I became undefeated. 3-0 Jerry's record as well as the team. i got a bagel in one of the matches that means 6-0 in a set.
I'm still struggling to balance school and everything with church. I missed friday and saturday. This saturday was the top of my week. I enjoyed being third singles. i was showing how dedicated i was to the team that i joined. I went to practice by ten AM on Saturday. my parents just left the house. i go to practice and my life is ended again by landing on the same ankle that was almost healed two weeks ago. I have to get it X-rayed now. I rode my bike to school. and by injuring my self again. i couldnt stand. people had to carry me to the grass. I left my bike in school, i hitched a ride home. and i iced it the whole day. good day right?
I'm surviving using ibuprofen right now. pain pills.
ON TOP OF ALL THIS... Planning for Deerpark spring retreat. I was hoping it wouldnt have been as stressful as the ski retreat aaron and i had 4 hr conversations every night planning and dealing with certain people. I'm so glad today i was able to rest. kenny jin took control of the meeting, i was able to rest my mind a bit, by playing fruit ninja..... for only ten minutes. and i tried helping anyway i could. Everyone was helping during the meeting, so i was more carefree. but problems are still arising.
Sometime i wish i can skip moments in my life. like click. or put it in autopilot. So my mind can rest a bit. Though i know that there are seasons of the soul. the times of despair and wanting to give up. The summer times where everything is blooming and good. I need to persist through this winter. And persist through my dry spells.
I sometime still wish that i had a friend that i'd keep from elementary school or something that i can give my heart soul and mind to. Or just lay out all my thought. Sometimes, in that wish i become that person. Don't take that to account to not talk to me. I really enjoy those who are able to trust me enough to talk to me as if i was their true friend. I havent ever had a best friend. I know that is sad. I'd cry at the thought of that. Still being afraid to make friends. Afraid of rejection. Not being able to mingle with everyone as easily as kenny or daniel or anyone can. I may be able to put on a fake face or mask, but under everything, im wailing in despair of my own sadness. Still sad how i cant be able to boldly approach people in the auditorium and just sit next to someone and make a friend. Afraid to sit next to people i call my friends when i feel like i have something to offer being afraid of rejection. I wish i had a best friend with me. Someone i can tell everything to. Im so tired of bottling everything up. Sometimes it feels like crying out to God doesnt always help. I'm not treating god like a formula. Just i dont always know what to do. I become the lonely one that tries to be everyones friend but is truely the one that needs a friend. I want a best friend. Simply put. My thoughts so scattered. My life so strenuous. My heart so tired. My arms so stretched out, while im in fetal position in my heart.
I wonder how im going to continue. I have so much on my plate and i got no stepping stone in which im able to stand firm on.
Maybe a cause of this is my dry spell. I cant seem to find the foot hold i have in christ. I may be standing already i just cant see the rock under my feet. I may be like the man holding onto a branch, thinking that if he let go, he'll die. He cries out for god in asking if you save me, ill give you my life. By the morning he sees that the ground was a foot underneath his feet. I need to find my foot hold. I want a best friend in which i can clear everything up. I dont feel anyone at my same level able to sympathize. Besides Christ. That one i know is there but i cant seem to see him. I need a true friend. A best friend, a faithful one, a one i can truely rely on. I know that a friend like that doesnt exist. Maybe God will provide one in my life.
One that will be able to see through this thick skin of faking. How will i ever be able to see my life done as God wills?
I've been wanting to blog, just never finding time.
AP Exams coming up.. don't know how im going to pass. I'm supposed to be the top of my class. Or like top three. Im taking the second hardest AP in school STUPID AP COMPUTER SCIENCE. I have the second lowest grade in a class of 5 and the highest grade is like an 80.. Mine is passing but in the 70s... i have never failed a course and this is so hard. its either you get it or dont. I might even get a 1 on the exam. im scared.
School is stressing me out. Online school and school school. AP Exams approaching faster than expected. right after spring break are the exams. Rebekah you should feel some of my pain. Online classes require so much discipline. The past few weeks have been so hard
Two weeks ago.. The Worst week of the year. Day one monday: Was sick, couldnt get out of bed for the whole day, stayed in bed for 27 hrs.
Day two tuesday: return to school, im so lost in every class for not being there monday. its called crunch time for exams. I have AP COmputer Science first period. i was half dead in the class sounding like a grouch. This was march 28 or 29 or so.. So third i have another AP. i HATE APs in the morning. i cant think. Im lost in social studies. Then spanish, im good at it so i caught up being half dead. CHORUS. MY NYSSMA PIECE. I didnt know how i could practice it. I felt so sad. "What if i couldnt get better by the week so i can preform my piece the next monday"
Day three wednesday: Columbia university field trip for "Smart" kids. see i put that in quotes. It was raining. Kick off to an amazing week right? my week felt like the rain. raining and out of control. My head spinning and running as if i was jumping on a treadmill trying to keep up. The treadmill is life. me jumping is my efforts in trying to keep up. All work and burdens were like a back pack im carrying as i run. I know of Matthew 11:28. Dont try that on me. By this time of the week, i already missed most of school that week. AND I MISSED THE ONLINE CLASSES DUE DATE >.<
Being sick made me fall behind in everything by over a week and counting.
Day four thursday: went back to school, lost beyond imagination. It rained again i believe. missed tennis practice that started monday.
Day five friday: went to practice, beat everyone on the team besides one person. I was second singles. The only good day i had all week. even though i was still extremely behind in school.
Day SIX SATURDAY DX. I hate my life this saturday. FIRST TIME IN INJURED MY SELF. I rolled, sprained, twisted, fractured my ankle, anything you wanted to call it. It hurt so bad that i could barely walk or ride my bike home with pain. The only thought that kept me going to try to limp was coach believes in me being a wrestler. I'm committed to this team. Its only a month and a half. i can do this. as soon as i got home. i fell off my bike..... felt like dying. took one step toward the door and i fell. got out my keys sitting on the floor. and got it the door suffering as i tried bringing my bike in. After all that.
I suffered with no sympathy from anyone. JUST "ARE YOU OKAY? WHAT HAPPENED?" THE TWO MOST ANNOYING QUESTIONS EVER. That showed nothing. couldnt you see i was limping. No questions of "how can i help? want me to spot you?" just a are you okay? and OH and walked away.
I walked to the bus stop to go to church that day. Hoping to see faces that would inspire me to continue. I walked to the bus stop 10 minutes from my home, but took thirty minutes because i was injured. all i could think of is "i'll be happy as soon as i get to church" "its my responsibility as praise leader" "i need to try to encourage my youth by doing this"
so let me continue on. i walked to the bus stop, just a minute before the bus was about to leave. i got on. found a seat. i left my foot up on the seat because i couldnt handle the blood flow. thirty minutes on the bus a lady just wakes me up, not caring about anything. shoves my foot over. i was about to shout but couldnt. It would be rude. It hurt so bad. i suffered for another thirty minutes till i got to bell and northern.
from there i walked towards the Q27 to transfer. i limped, the lady by my side on the bus got off also. walked in the same direction. she was like 50 feet ahead of me. and she didnt care at all.
That felt worse than not having a meaningful, memorable, thoughtful birthday for the last 16 years of my miserable life.
Just a old grumpy prideful women that could care less about life shoving me to the side.
On arriving to church that saturday, to my surprise, nothing happened. It was melissa just saying get over here and sing. Matthew trying to sympathize saying i sprained my ankle three weeks ago, just ice it. Pastor sang laughing saying, haha look we are alike, i cant walk either. Rebekah just looking at me and just having a sad face on. Aaron being like did you get beat up by freshmens? are you alright? what happened. My sister just saying to me, "i didnt know about it. it your own fault, be more careful," as if i could control that. The worst feeling ever as arriving to a place i thought would be warm and welcoming became a place i rather just avoid. I always have this very mess up ambivalent feeling of almost not wanting to be at church..
My whole week was a mess and that saturday just had to top it off by being the worst.
That was that week. Im gonna put off on blogging about last week. How about saying i got a failing grade on a test in AP. The monday i did alright on my nyssma test. I GOT A (96)!!!! out of a 100. Not perfect but definitely something i was afraid of to see the grade. Level Five Nyssma! I caught up with every class besides my APs. Chem, and online classes. I attempted at playing tennis again, since i got injured, i was forced to play doubles. and i played with my partner. and ran up the ladder of the doubles team. went to church that week, and still not as welcoming as i hoped. i devoted my whole weekend to church that week. I realized that church sort of screws of my week. Or in general my Weekend Screws my week up. I get home by like 12-1am every sunday and by the time i got to wake up at 6. im dead tired and i have to survive school week with a screwed up schedule. Thats when i put my status up. HOW DO I SURVIVE BOTH SCHOOL AND CHURCH? I take too many responsibilities and one week being sick screwed up my whole balance to a fulcrum balancing my whole life.
This week was pretty to sum up.
Played tennis all week.Monday i fought for my spot in singles. i got my spot as third singles!!!
wed, thur, fri, all tennis matches. I became undefeated. 3-0 Jerry's record as well as the team. i got a bagel in one of the matches that means 6-0 in a set.
I'm still struggling to balance school and everything with church. I missed friday and saturday. This saturday was the top of my week. I enjoyed being third singles. i was showing how dedicated i was to the team that i joined. I went to practice by ten AM on Saturday. my parents just left the house. i go to practice and my life is ended again by landing on the same ankle that was almost healed two weeks ago. I have to get it X-rayed now. I rode my bike to school. and by injuring my self again. i couldnt stand. people had to carry me to the grass. I left my bike in school, i hitched a ride home. and i iced it the whole day. good day right?
I'm surviving using ibuprofen right now. pain pills.
ON TOP OF ALL THIS... Planning for Deerpark spring retreat. I was hoping it wouldnt have been as stressful as the ski retreat aaron and i had 4 hr conversations every night planning and dealing with certain people. I'm so glad today i was able to rest. kenny jin took control of the meeting, i was able to rest my mind a bit, by playing fruit ninja..... for only ten minutes. and i tried helping anyway i could. Everyone was helping during the meeting, so i was more carefree. but problems are still arising.
Sometime i wish i can skip moments in my life. like click. or put it in autopilot. So my mind can rest a bit. Though i know that there are seasons of the soul. the times of despair and wanting to give up. The summer times where everything is blooming and good. I need to persist through this winter. And persist through my dry spells.
I sometime still wish that i had a friend that i'd keep from elementary school or something that i can give my heart soul and mind to. Or just lay out all my thought. Sometimes, in that wish i become that person. Don't take that to account to not talk to me. I really enjoy those who are able to trust me enough to talk to me as if i was their true friend. I havent ever had a best friend. I know that is sad. I'd cry at the thought of that. Still being afraid to make friends. Afraid of rejection. Not being able to mingle with everyone as easily as kenny or daniel or anyone can. I may be able to put on a fake face or mask, but under everything, im wailing in despair of my own sadness. Still sad how i cant be able to boldly approach people in the auditorium and just sit next to someone and make a friend. Afraid to sit next to people i call my friends when i feel like i have something to offer being afraid of rejection. I wish i had a best friend with me. Someone i can tell everything to. Im so tired of bottling everything up. Sometimes it feels like crying out to God doesnt always help. I'm not treating god like a formula. Just i dont always know what to do. I become the lonely one that tries to be everyones friend but is truely the one that needs a friend. I want a best friend. Simply put. My thoughts so scattered. My life so strenuous. My heart so tired. My arms so stretched out, while im in fetal position in my heart.
I wonder how im going to continue. I have so much on my plate and i got no stepping stone in which im able to stand firm on.
Maybe a cause of this is my dry spell. I cant seem to find the foot hold i have in christ. I may be standing already i just cant see the rock under my feet. I may be like the man holding onto a branch, thinking that if he let go, he'll die. He cries out for god in asking if you save me, ill give you my life. By the morning he sees that the ground was a foot underneath his feet. I need to find my foot hold. I want a best friend in which i can clear everything up. I dont feel anyone at my same level able to sympathize. Besides Christ. That one i know is there but i cant seem to see him. I need a true friend. A best friend, a faithful one, a one i can truely rely on. I know that a friend like that doesnt exist. Maybe God will provide one in my life.
One that will be able to see through this thick skin of faking. How will i ever be able to see my life done as God wills?
Saturday, March 19, 2011
The Desire to Be Authentic and Genuine
Boethia. for those who remember what it means, you get it.
God I'm crying out to you in my desperation. You will answer.
Now my Blog is called the DESIRE TO BE AUTHENTIC and GENUINE.
and yet it is so hard to be my own person, not trying to be like some one else. striving in envy, strife, disappointment, and a want to be somewhere else.
I've been thinking about this list of things
I must begin my work as "New Wave President" to get people to start listening and looking to me as someone reliable for anything. I want to be that person where people will listen to, or that person that people want to spill out to knowing that i will keep them confidential.
I see my whole position changed as my highschool years progress. Time has become more scarce. School work with APs take a whole lot of time. Sports and activities where i want to plan for my future affect my availability at church.
By being in church less, as like during my "wrestling season" i saw the minute i returned to church, EVERYONE treated me differently with like a cold shoulder, i was no longer one that people looked up to. Someone that others saw and were encouraged.
I live for being a vessel in where God uses me to Encourage others, but recently my influence seems so stagnant. I'm unable to do anything about it because everything i do now seem like I'm trying to show off when I'm not.
I want to use my talents for God, I want people to see the joy in my eyes, the transparency of my Worship. I want to be lost in God, to show the face of God. That's what i want, but i don't know how to change people's minds. All i can do is do what i usually do. Maybe be a little bit more "less".
This thought of BECOMING a Leader? I always knew from a young age that God called me to be a leader of some sort, i don't know what. I had people of all ethnicity come to me and i felt like God was prophesying to me. From a Jason guy in Nyack College Conference, when i was like 5, and he was just beginning to be a youth pastor or something. This Bishop Russel Guy, who is amazing and knows like everything. A chinese lady i have never met before, but after seeing me sing at one of the EMC concerts, ran up to me in adoration and a epiphany. Even Pastor Jose torrez approached me saying the same thing. I DON'T Know what God wants to make me, I don't know how it will happen, All i know is what he has done and all i can do is be faithful in his time.
Sometimes being Completely discouraged from church on weekends that i rather be in school. Maybe i was discouraged from the halt on which i see growth of Church. I have conversations with my sister on my discouragement. Maybe i see the fake within people, or the real in only some people. I wonder at what God wants to do with EMC.I'm very tired at seeing almost nothing new. There's so many events, makes me think we are only gassing people up like ballons until they deflate. I saw too much of this in my lifetime, especially being in the viewpoint of a Pastor's Kid.
Time is such a difficult thing to manage. Time to do homework. Time to do Online Work. Time to read books. Time to do Quiet Times. Time to go to events. Time to talk to people. Time to study. Time to practice music. Time to sleep. Time to sing. Time to be rejoiceful. Time to dance. what is this Ecclesiastes 3? Where is the time to do everything? I am utterly exhausted.
One that is constantly on my mind. People no longer see my testimony in reality. Do people still remember how much they looked down upon me? Hated me cause of my hyperness? Didnt bother trying to make friends with me cause of my teeth, my dis-figuration of my face in which i went through turmoil? How my voice of a high pitch was annoying to ears caused people to look away? Made me hate myself and cry in the corner till my eyes were dry and i wondered if anyone cared? Does anyone still remember how i wasnt able to do anything beside follow my family around? I could never play piano, guitar, no instrument including the recorder? I'm just extremely distraught now, they're people who now see the flip side to this, and have never saw the past. They would never understand the experience. They will only see my talents that God has given me along the way and say "oh look. he can do this, good for him" i have lost my testimony in that case. "oh look, he is showing off"? there are people who will never understand how happy god has brought me this far. I still have pronunciation problems due to the braces and teeth problems from my childhood near death experiences. Not having front teeth for almost a decade and a half of my life. I just want people to see me for who i am now, not in the way that i see them scanning me as an object.
Now what else do i have to think of?
My future? My Job? What am i going to do when i grow up?
Am i going to become a Engineer and be an Asian who is good at Math and Science?
Am i going to be a Missionary and travel around the world spreading the word of the Gospel? If so how do i get the money and be financially secure?
Am i going to become a musician? see the unrealistic opportunity at become so good at an instrument that people will want to hear my crappy voice? To have people to see my horrible skills.
Am i going to become a Doctor? Just be one of those 6 figure doctors who raise their family but have a horrible shift? and never see my family?
Am i going to be a artist? i love paintings and expression through art.
Am i going to be an author? one that just writes books for money and be like my uncle who is rich
Am i going to be a pastor? the job that is probably the most difficult.needing to deal with so many people with a salary close to none? to be criticized, abused by members?
Am i going to care for children? They are the sometimes the second source of my job apart from God. seeing their face of adoration or happiness gives me a sense of "i love God Even more now"
What am i going to do? How am i going to care for my family and do everything i want? Where is God going to lead me? i have too many passions. I feel like a top spinning, getting dizzier, being confused where will i land? where will God lead me?
My thoughts are all scattered right now. I don't understand what my next step is, what is there to do next other than sleep my life away. Other than trying to look nice for other people eyes to look at. other than trying to be something I'm not. This post will be my introduction. The desire to be Authentic and Genuine.
I want to be transparent. God Make me that way. Help me do so. Mold me into what you want me to be.
Authentic, Genuine, a vessel of the wonderful counselor's greatness and Glory.
GOD JUST HELP ME! BOETHIA!
God I'm crying out to you in my desperation. You will answer.
Now my Blog is called the DESIRE TO BE AUTHENTIC and GENUINE.
and yet it is so hard to be my own person, not trying to be like some one else. striving in envy, strife, disappointment, and a want to be somewhere else.
I've been thinking about this list of things
I must begin my work as "New Wave President" to get people to start listening and looking to me as someone reliable for anything. I want to be that person where people will listen to, or that person that people want to spill out to knowing that i will keep them confidential.
I see my whole position changed as my highschool years progress. Time has become more scarce. School work with APs take a whole lot of time. Sports and activities where i want to plan for my future affect my availability at church.
By being in church less, as like during my "wrestling season" i saw the minute i returned to church, EVERYONE treated me differently with like a cold shoulder, i was no longer one that people looked up to. Someone that others saw and were encouraged.
I live for being a vessel in where God uses me to Encourage others, but recently my influence seems so stagnant. I'm unable to do anything about it because everything i do now seem like I'm trying to show off when I'm not.
I want to use my talents for God, I want people to see the joy in my eyes, the transparency of my Worship. I want to be lost in God, to show the face of God. That's what i want, but i don't know how to change people's minds. All i can do is do what i usually do. Maybe be a little bit more "less".
This thought of BECOMING a Leader? I always knew from a young age that God called me to be a leader of some sort, i don't know what. I had people of all ethnicity come to me and i felt like God was prophesying to me. From a Jason guy in Nyack College Conference, when i was like 5, and he was just beginning to be a youth pastor or something. This Bishop Russel Guy, who is amazing and knows like everything. A chinese lady i have never met before, but after seeing me sing at one of the EMC concerts, ran up to me in adoration and a epiphany. Even Pastor Jose torrez approached me saying the same thing. I DON'T Know what God wants to make me, I don't know how it will happen, All i know is what he has done and all i can do is be faithful in his time.
Sometimes being Completely discouraged from church on weekends that i rather be in school. Maybe i was discouraged from the halt on which i see growth of Church. I have conversations with my sister on my discouragement. Maybe i see the fake within people, or the real in only some people. I wonder at what God wants to do with EMC.I'm very tired at seeing almost nothing new. There's so many events, makes me think we are only gassing people up like ballons until they deflate. I saw too much of this in my lifetime, especially being in the viewpoint of a Pastor's Kid.
Time is such a difficult thing to manage. Time to do homework. Time to do Online Work. Time to read books. Time to do Quiet Times. Time to go to events. Time to talk to people. Time to study. Time to practice music. Time to sleep. Time to sing. Time to be rejoiceful. Time to dance. what is this Ecclesiastes 3? Where is the time to do everything? I am utterly exhausted.
One that is constantly on my mind. People no longer see my testimony in reality. Do people still remember how much they looked down upon me? Hated me cause of my hyperness? Didnt bother trying to make friends with me cause of my teeth, my dis-figuration of my face in which i went through turmoil? How my voice of a high pitch was annoying to ears caused people to look away? Made me hate myself and cry in the corner till my eyes were dry and i wondered if anyone cared? Does anyone still remember how i wasnt able to do anything beside follow my family around? I could never play piano, guitar, no instrument including the recorder? I'm just extremely distraught now, they're people who now see the flip side to this, and have never saw the past. They would never understand the experience. They will only see my talents that God has given me along the way and say "oh look. he can do this, good for him" i have lost my testimony in that case. "oh look, he is showing off"? there are people who will never understand how happy god has brought me this far. I still have pronunciation problems due to the braces and teeth problems from my childhood near death experiences. Not having front teeth for almost a decade and a half of my life. I just want people to see me for who i am now, not in the way that i see them scanning me as an object.
Now what else do i have to think of?
My future? My Job? What am i going to do when i grow up?
Am i going to become a Engineer and be an Asian who is good at Math and Science?
Am i going to be a Missionary and travel around the world spreading the word of the Gospel? If so how do i get the money and be financially secure?
Am i going to become a musician? see the unrealistic opportunity at become so good at an instrument that people will want to hear my crappy voice? To have people to see my horrible skills.
Am i going to become a Doctor? Just be one of those 6 figure doctors who raise their family but have a horrible shift? and never see my family?
Am i going to be a artist? i love paintings and expression through art.
Am i going to be an author? one that just writes books for money and be like my uncle who is rich
Am i going to be a pastor? the job that is probably the most difficult.needing to deal with so many people with a salary close to none? to be criticized, abused by members?
Am i going to care for children? They are the sometimes the second source of my job apart from God. seeing their face of adoration or happiness gives me a sense of "i love God Even more now"
What am i going to do? How am i going to care for my family and do everything i want? Where is God going to lead me? i have too many passions. I feel like a top spinning, getting dizzier, being confused where will i land? where will God lead me?
My thoughts are all scattered right now. I don't understand what my next step is, what is there to do next other than sleep my life away. Other than trying to look nice for other people eyes to look at. other than trying to be something I'm not. This post will be my introduction. The desire to be Authentic and Genuine.
I want to be transparent. God Make me that way. Help me do so. Mold me into what you want me to be.
Authentic, Genuine, a vessel of the wonderful counselor's greatness and Glory.
GOD JUST HELP ME! BOETHIA!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Do You Still Believe?
Hey all my followers :)
This is a devotional i read today, and it incorporates a bunch a great encouragement, to be fired up once again.
This is a devotional i read today, and it incorporates a bunch a great encouragement, to be fired up once again.
FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2011
Recently I had an unusual experience while in meditation with the Lord. His still small voice asked of me, “Do you still believe?”
“Do you believe I still love you unconditionally—that you are right now being led by the Holy Spirit—that every tear you shed I bottle—that you are right now in this place, in this very hour, in the perfect will of God?
“Do you believe all things still work together for good to them that love me—that I hear your prayers, even when you have no audible words to express them, when all seems dark and you are overwhelmed—when fear lays hold on your mind and soul—when it seems I have shut the heavens to you?
“David, do you still believe I feed all living things: the fish of the sea, the cattle, the fowls, all creeping things? Do you still believe I count every hair on your head—that I take note of every fallen bird on the face of the earth? Do you truly believe that?
“Do you still believe—when death comes to your loved ones? Do you still believe what you have testified, that I give comfort and strength to face even the grave?
“Do you still believe I love you—I forgive you all your past sins, your present sins—and I will forgive all future sins if you rest and trust me? Do you believe I understand when Satan sends his messengers against you to implant lies, doubts, blasphemies, fears, despair?
“Do you still believe you are in the palm of my hand—that you are more precious than gold to your Savior—that eternal life is your future—that there is no power that can pluck you out of my hand—that I still am touched by every infirmity and affliction you endure? Do you still believe these things are true?”
My answer is emphatically YES! Yes, Lord, I still believe it all and more—much more!
Read all of Psalm 103 and ask yourself, “Do I still believe it? All of it?”
This just tells us of how great the father in heaven is, how he allows us to call him by name while he calls us by name.
He counts every hair on our heads, he counts each bird that has fallen, he forgiving us of all of our short comings. This is the God we serve. This is the God we believe in, this is the God we love, because he has loved us first <3
“Do you believe I still love you unconditionally—that you are right now being led by the Holy Spirit—that every tear you shed I bottle—that you are right now in this place, in this very hour, in the perfect will of God?
“Do you believe all things still work together for good to them that love me—that I hear your prayers, even when you have no audible words to express them, when all seems dark and you are overwhelmed—when fear lays hold on your mind and soul—when it seems I have shut the heavens to you?
“David, do you still believe I feed all living things: the fish of the sea, the cattle, the fowls, all creeping things? Do you still believe I count every hair on your head—that I take note of every fallen bird on the face of the earth? Do you truly believe that?
“Do you still believe—when death comes to your loved ones? Do you still believe what you have testified, that I give comfort and strength to face even the grave?
“Do you still believe I love you—I forgive you all your past sins, your present sins—and I will forgive all future sins if you rest and trust me? Do you believe I understand when Satan sends his messengers against you to implant lies, doubts, blasphemies, fears, despair?
“Do you still believe you are in the palm of my hand—that you are more precious than gold to your Savior—that eternal life is your future—that there is no power that can pluck you out of my hand—that I still am touched by every infirmity and affliction you endure? Do you still believe these things are true?”
My answer is emphatically YES! Yes, Lord, I still believe it all and more—much more!
Read all of Psalm 103 and ask yourself, “Do I still believe it? All of it?”
This just tells us of how great the father in heaven is, how he allows us to call him by name while he calls us by name.
He counts every hair on our heads, he counts each bird that has fallen, he forgiving us of all of our short comings. This is the God we serve. This is the God we believe in, this is the God we love, because he has loved us first <3
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