Boethia. for those who remember what it means, you get it.
God I'm crying out to you in my desperation. You will answer.
Now my Blog is called the DESIRE TO BE AUTHENTIC and GENUINE.
and yet it is so hard to be my own person, not trying to be like some one else. striving in envy, strife, disappointment, and a want to be somewhere else.
I've been thinking about this list of things
I must begin my work as "New Wave President" to get people to start listening and looking to me as someone reliable for anything. I want to be that person where people will listen to, or that person that people want to spill out to knowing that i will keep them confidential.
I see my whole position changed as my highschool years progress. Time has become more scarce. School work with APs take a whole lot of time. Sports and activities where i want to plan for my future affect my availability at church.
By being in church less, as like during my "wrestling season" i saw the minute i returned to church, EVERYONE treated me differently with like a cold shoulder, i was no longer one that people looked up to. Someone that others saw and were encouraged.
I live for being a vessel in where God uses me to Encourage others, but recently my influence seems so stagnant. I'm unable to do anything about it because everything i do now seem like I'm trying to show off when I'm not.
I want to use my talents for God, I want people to see the joy in my eyes, the transparency of my Worship. I want to be lost in God, to show the face of God. That's what i want, but i don't know how to change people's minds. All i can do is do what i usually do. Maybe be a little bit more "less".
This thought of BECOMING a Leader? I always knew from a young age that God called me to be a leader of some sort, i don't know what. I had people of all ethnicity come to me and i felt like God was prophesying to me. From a Jason guy in Nyack College Conference, when i was like 5, and he was just beginning to be a youth pastor or something. This Bishop Russel Guy, who is amazing and knows like everything. A chinese lady i have never met before, but after seeing me sing at one of the EMC concerts, ran up to me in adoration and a epiphany. Even Pastor Jose torrez approached me saying the same thing. I DON'T Know what God wants to make me, I don't know how it will happen, All i know is what he has done and all i can do is be faithful in his time.
Sometimes being Completely discouraged from church on weekends that i rather be in school. Maybe i was discouraged from the halt on which i see growth of Church. I have conversations with my sister on my discouragement. Maybe i see the fake within people, or the real in only some people. I wonder at what God wants to do with EMC.I'm very tired at seeing almost nothing new. There's so many events, makes me think we are only gassing people up like ballons until they deflate. I saw too much of this in my lifetime, especially being in the viewpoint of a Pastor's Kid.
Time is such a difficult thing to manage. Time to do homework. Time to do Online Work. Time to read books. Time to do Quiet Times. Time to go to events. Time to talk to people. Time to study. Time to practice music. Time to sleep. Time to sing. Time to be rejoiceful. Time to dance. what is this Ecclesiastes 3? Where is the time to do everything? I am utterly exhausted.
One that is constantly on my mind. People no longer see my testimony in reality. Do people still remember how much they looked down upon me? Hated me cause of my hyperness? Didnt bother trying to make friends with me cause of my teeth, my dis-figuration of my face in which i went through turmoil? How my voice of a high pitch was annoying to ears caused people to look away? Made me hate myself and cry in the corner till my eyes were dry and i wondered if anyone cared? Does anyone still remember how i wasnt able to do anything beside follow my family around? I could never play piano, guitar, no instrument including the recorder? I'm just extremely distraught now, they're people who now see the flip side to this, and have never saw the past. They would never understand the experience. They will only see my talents that God has given me along the way and say "oh look. he can do this, good for him" i have lost my testimony in that case. "oh look, he is showing off"? there are people who will never understand how happy god has brought me this far. I still have pronunciation problems due to the braces and teeth problems from my childhood near death experiences. Not having front teeth for almost a decade and a half of my life. I just want people to see me for who i am now, not in the way that i see them scanning me as an object.
Now what else do i have to think of?
My future? My Job? What am i going to do when i grow up?
Am i going to become a Engineer and be an Asian who is good at Math and Science?
Am i going to be a Missionary and travel around the world spreading the word of the Gospel? If so how do i get the money and be financially secure?
Am i going to become a musician? see the unrealistic opportunity at become so good at an instrument that people will want to hear my crappy voice? To have people to see my horrible skills.
Am i going to become a Doctor? Just be one of those 6 figure doctors who raise their family but have a horrible shift? and never see my family?
Am i going to be a artist? i love paintings and expression through art.
Am i going to be an author? one that just writes books for money and be like my uncle who is rich
Am i going to be a pastor? the job that is probably the most difficult.needing to deal with so many people with a salary close to none? to be criticized, abused by members?
Am i going to care for children? They are the sometimes the second source of my job apart from God. seeing their face of adoration or happiness gives me a sense of "i love God Even more now"
What am i going to do? How am i going to care for my family and do everything i want? Where is God going to lead me? i have too many passions. I feel like a top spinning, getting dizzier, being confused where will i land? where will God lead me?
My thoughts are all scattered right now. I don't understand what my next step is, what is there to do next other than sleep my life away. Other than trying to look nice for other people eyes to look at. other than trying to be something I'm not. This post will be my introduction. The desire to be Authentic and Genuine.
I want to be transparent. God Make me that way. Help me do so. Mold me into what you want me to be.
Authentic, Genuine, a vessel of the wonderful counselor's greatness and Glory.
GOD JUST HELP ME! BOETHIA!
