Things I want to Blog About

Hmm.. THE LAST THREE WEEKS MEGA-HECTIC (Sorry gloria, i plagiarized ur words)

I've been wanting to blog, just never finding time.
AP Exams coming up.. don't know how im going to pass. I'm supposed to be the top of my class. Or like top three. Im taking the second hardest AP in school STUPID AP COMPUTER SCIENCE.  I have the second lowest grade in a class of 5 and the highest grade is like an 80.. Mine is passing but in the 70s... i have never failed a course and this is so hard. its either you get it or dont. I might even get a 1 on the exam. im scared.

School is stressing me out. Online school and school school. AP Exams approaching faster than expected. right after spring break are the exams. Rebekah you should feel some of my pain. Online classes require so much discipline. The past few weeks have been so hard

Two weeks ago.. The Worst week of the year. Day one monday: Was sick, couldnt get out of bed for the whole day, stayed in bed for 27 hrs.
Day two tuesday: return to school, im so lost in every class for not being there monday. its called crunch time for exams. I have AP COmputer Science first period. i was half dead in the class sounding like a grouch. This was march 28 or 29 or so.. So third i have another AP. i HATE APs in the morning. i cant think. Im lost in social studies. Then spanish, im good at it so i caught up being half dead. CHORUS. MY NYSSMA PIECE. I didnt know how i could practice it. I felt so sad. "What if i couldnt get better by the week so i can preform my piece the next monday"
Day three wednesday: Columbia university field trip for "Smart" kids. see i put that in quotes. It was raining. Kick off to an amazing week right? my week felt like the rain. raining and out of control. My head spinning and running as if i was jumping on a treadmill trying to keep up. The treadmill is life. me jumping is my efforts in trying to keep up. All work and burdens were like a back pack im carrying as i run. I know of Matthew 11:28. Dont try that on me.  By this time of the week, i already missed most of school that week. AND I MISSED THE ONLINE CLASSES DUE DATE >.<
 Being sick made me fall behind in everything by over a week and counting.
Day four thursday: went back to school, lost beyond imagination. It rained again i believe. missed tennis practice that started monday.
Day five friday: went to practice, beat everyone on the team besides one person. I was second singles. The only good day i had all week. even though i was still extremely behind in school.
Day SIX SATURDAY DX. I hate my life this saturday. FIRST TIME IN INJURED MY SELF. I rolled, sprained, twisted, fractured my ankle, anything you wanted to call it. It hurt so bad that i could barely walk or ride my bike home with pain. The only thought that kept me going to try to limp was coach believes in me being a wrestler. I'm committed to this team. Its only a month and a half. i can do this. as soon as i got home. i fell off my bike..... felt like dying. took one step toward the door and i fell. got out my keys sitting on the floor. and got it the door suffering as i tried bringing my bike in. After all that.
I suffered with no sympathy from anyone. JUST "ARE YOU OKAY? WHAT HAPPENED?" THE TWO MOST ANNOYING QUESTIONS EVER. That showed nothing. couldnt you see i was limping. No questions of "how can i help? want me to spot you?" just a are you okay? and OH and walked away.
I walked to the bus stop to go to church that day. Hoping to see faces that would inspire me to continue. I walked to the bus stop 10 minutes from my home, but took thirty minutes because i was injured. all i could think of is "i'll be happy as soon as i get to church" "its my responsibility as praise leader" "i need to try to encourage my youth by doing this"
so let me continue on. i walked to the bus stop, just a minute before the bus was about to leave. i got on. found a seat. i left my foot up on the seat because i couldnt handle the blood flow. thirty minutes on the bus a lady just wakes me up, not caring about anything. shoves my foot over. i was about to shout but couldnt. It would be rude. It hurt so bad. i suffered for another thirty minutes till i got to bell and northern.
from there i walked towards the Q27 to transfer. i limped, the lady by my side on the bus got off also. walked in the same direction. she was like 50 feet ahead of me. and she didnt care at all.
That felt worse than not having a meaningful, memorable, thoughtful birthday for the last 16 years of my miserable life.
Just a old grumpy prideful women that could care less about life shoving me to the side.
On arriving to church that saturday, to my surprise, nothing happened. It was melissa just saying get over here and sing. Matthew trying to sympathize saying i sprained my ankle three weeks ago, just ice it. Pastor sang laughing saying, haha look we are alike, i cant walk either. Rebekah just looking at me and just having a sad face on. Aaron being like did you get beat up by freshmens? are you alright? what happened. My sister just saying to me, "i didnt know about it. it your own fault, be more careful," as if i could control that. The worst feeling ever as arriving to a place i thought would be warm and welcoming became a place i rather just avoid. I always have this very mess up ambivalent feeling of almost not wanting to be at church..
My whole week was a mess and that saturday just had to top it off by being the worst.

That was that week. Im gonna put off on blogging about last week. How about saying i got a failing grade on a test in AP. The monday i did alright on my nyssma test. I GOT A (96)!!!! out of a 100. Not perfect but definitely something i was afraid of to see the grade. Level Five Nyssma! I caught up with every class besides my APs. Chem, and online classes. I attempted at playing tennis again, since i got injured, i was forced to play doubles. and i played with my partner. and ran up the ladder of the doubles team. went to church that week, and still not as welcoming as i hoped. i devoted my whole weekend to church that week. I realized that church sort of screws of my week. Or in general my Weekend Screws my week up. I get home by like 12-1am every sunday and by the time i got to wake up at 6. im dead tired and i have to survive school week with a screwed up schedule. Thats when i put my status up. HOW DO I SURVIVE BOTH SCHOOL AND CHURCH? I take too many responsibilities and one week being sick screwed up my whole balance to a fulcrum balancing my whole life.

This week was pretty to sum up.
Played tennis all week.Monday i fought for my spot in singles. i got my spot as third singles!!!
wed, thur, fri, all tennis matches. I became undefeated. 3-0 Jerry's record as well as the team. i got a bagel in one of the matches that means 6-0 in a set.
I'm still struggling to balance school and everything with church. I missed friday and saturday. This saturday was the top of my week. I enjoyed being third singles. i was showing how dedicated i was to the team that i joined. I went to practice by ten AM on Saturday. my parents just left the house. i go to practice and my life is ended again by landing on the same ankle that was almost healed two weeks ago. I have to get it X-rayed now. I rode my bike to school. and by injuring my self again. i couldnt stand. people had to carry me to the grass. I left my bike in school, i hitched a ride home. and i iced it the whole day. good day right?
I'm surviving using ibuprofen right now. pain pills.

ON TOP OF ALL THIS... Planning for Deerpark spring retreat. I was hoping it wouldnt have been as stressful as the ski retreat aaron and i had 4 hr conversations every night planning and dealing with certain people. I'm so glad today i was able to rest. kenny jin took control of the meeting, i was able to rest my mind a bit, by playing fruit ninja..... for only ten minutes. and i tried helping anyway i could. Everyone was helping during the meeting, so i was more carefree. but problems are still arising.

Sometime i wish i can skip moments in my life. like click. or put it in autopilot. So my mind can rest a bit. Though i know that there are seasons of the soul. the times of despair and wanting to give up. The summer times where everything is blooming and good. I need to persist through this winter. And persist through my dry spells.

I sometime still wish that i had a friend that i'd keep from elementary school or something that i can give my heart soul and mind to. Or just lay out all my thought. Sometimes, in that wish i become that person. Don't take that to account to not talk to me. I really enjoy those who are able to trust me enough to talk to me as if i was their true friend. I havent ever had a best friend. I know that is sad. I'd cry at the thought of that. Still being afraid to make friends. Afraid of rejection. Not being able to mingle with everyone as easily as kenny or daniel or anyone can. I may be able to put on a fake face or mask, but under everything, im wailing in despair of my own sadness. Still sad how i cant be able to boldly approach people in the auditorium and just sit next to someone and make a friend. Afraid to sit next to people i call my friends when i feel like i have something to offer being afraid of rejection. I wish i had a best friend with me. Someone i can tell everything to. Im so tired of bottling everything up. Sometimes it feels like crying out to God doesnt always help. I'm not treating god like a formula. Just i dont always know what to do. I become the lonely one that tries to be everyones friend but is truely the one that needs a friend. I want a best friend. Simply put. My thoughts so scattered. My life so strenuous. My heart so tired. My arms so stretched out, while im in fetal position in my heart.
I wonder how im going to continue. I have so much on my plate and i got no stepping stone in which im able to stand firm on.
Maybe a cause of this is my dry spell. I cant seem to find the foot hold i have in christ. I may be standing already i just cant see the rock under my feet. I may be like the man holding onto a branch, thinking that if he let go, he'll die. He cries out for god in asking if you save me, ill give you my life. By the morning he sees that the ground was a foot underneath his feet. I need to find my foot hold. I want a best friend in which i can clear everything up. I dont feel anyone at my same level able to sympathize. Besides Christ. That one i know is there but i cant seem to see him. I need a true friend. A best friend, a faithful one, a one i can truely rely on. I know that a friend like that doesnt exist. Maybe God will provide one in my life.
One that will be able to see through this thick skin of faking. How will i ever be able to see my life done as God wills?

The Desire to Be Authentic and Genuine

 Boethia. for those who remember what it means, you get it.
God I'm crying out to you in my desperation. You will answer.

Now my Blog is called the DESIRE TO BE AUTHENTIC and GENUINE.
and yet it is so hard to be my own person, not trying to be like some one else. striving in envy, strife, disappointment, and a want to be somewhere else.

I've been thinking about this list of things


I  must begin my work as "New Wave President" to get people to start listening and looking to me as someone reliable for anything. I want to be that person where people will listen to, or that person that people want to spill out to knowing that i will keep them confidential.

I see my whole position changed as my highschool years progress. Time has become more scarce. School work with APs take a whole lot of time. Sports and activities where i want to plan for my future affect my availability at church.

By being in church less, as like during my "wrestling season" i saw the minute i returned to church, EVERYONE treated me differently with like a cold shoulder, i was no longer one that people looked up to. Someone that others saw and were encouraged.

I live for being a vessel in where God uses me to Encourage others, but recently my influence seems so stagnant. I'm unable to do anything about it because everything i do now seem like I'm trying to show off when I'm not.

I want to use my talents for God, I want people to see the joy in my eyes, the transparency of my Worship. I want to be lost in God, to show the face of God. That's what i want, but i don't know how to change people's minds. All i can do is do what i usually do. Maybe be a little bit more "less".

This thought of BECOMING a Leader? I always knew from a young age that God called me to be a leader of some sort, i don't know what. I had people of all ethnicity come to me and i felt like God was prophesying to me. From a Jason guy in Nyack College Conference, when i was like 5, and he was just beginning to be a youth pastor or something. This Bishop Russel Guy, who is amazing and knows like everything. A chinese lady i have never met before, but after seeing me sing at one of the EMC concerts, ran up to me in adoration and a epiphany. Even Pastor Jose torrez approached me saying the same thing. I DON'T Know what God wants to make me, I don't know how it will happen, All i know is what he has done and all i can do is be faithful in his time.

Sometimes being Completely discouraged from church on weekends that i rather be in school. Maybe i was discouraged from the halt on which i see growth of Church. I have conversations with my sister on my discouragement. Maybe i see the fake within people, or the real in only some people. I wonder at what God wants to do with EMC.I'm very tired at seeing almost nothing new. There's so many events, makes me think we are only gassing people up like ballons until they deflate. I saw too much of this in my lifetime, especially being in the viewpoint of a Pastor's Kid.

Time is such a difficult thing to manage. Time to do homework. Time to do Online Work. Time to read books. Time to do Quiet Times. Time to go to events. Time to talk to people. Time to study. Time to practice music. Time to sleep. Time to sing. Time to be rejoiceful. Time to dance. what is this Ecclesiastes 3? Where is the time to do everything? I am utterly exhausted.

One that is constantly on my mind. People no longer see my testimony in reality. Do people still remember how much they looked down upon me? Hated me cause of my hyperness? Didnt bother trying to make friends with me cause of my teeth, my dis-figuration of my face in which i went through turmoil? How my voice of a high pitch was annoying to ears caused people to look away? Made me hate myself and cry in the corner till my eyes were dry and i wondered if anyone cared? Does anyone still remember how i wasnt able to do anything beside follow my family around? I could never play piano, guitar, no instrument including the recorder?  I'm just extremely distraught now, they're people who now see the flip side to this, and have never saw the past. They would never understand the experience. They will only see my talents that God has given me along the way and say "oh look. he can do this, good for him" i have lost my testimony in that case. "oh look, he is showing off"? there are people who will never understand how happy god has brought me this far. I still have pronunciation problems due to the braces and teeth problems from my childhood near death experiences. Not having front teeth for almost a decade and a half of my life. I just want people to see me for who i am now, not in the way that i see them scanning me as an object.

Now what else do i have to think of?
My future? My Job? What am i going to do when i grow up?
Am i going to become a Engineer and be an Asian who is good at Math and Science?
Am i going to be a Missionary and travel around the world spreading the word of the Gospel? If so how do i get the money and be financially secure?
Am i going to become a musician? see the unrealistic opportunity at become so good at an instrument that people will want to hear my crappy voice? To have people to see my horrible skills.
Am i going to become a Doctor? Just be one of those 6 figure doctors who raise their family but have a horrible shift? and never see my family?
Am i going to be a artist? i love paintings and expression through art.
Am i going to be an author? one that just writes books for money and be like my uncle who is rich
Am i going to be a pastor? the job that is probably the most difficult.needing to deal with so many people with a salary close to none? to be criticized, abused by members?
Am i going to care for children? They are the sometimes the second source of my job apart from God. seeing their face of adoration or happiness gives me a sense of "i love God Even more now"
What am i going to do? How am i going to care for my family and do everything i want? Where is God going to lead me? i have too many passions. I feel like a top spinning, getting dizzier, being confused where will i land? where will God lead me?


My thoughts are all scattered right now. I don't understand what my next step is, what is there to do next other than sleep my life away. Other than trying to look nice for other people eyes to look at. other than trying to be something I'm not. This post will be my introduction. The desire to be Authentic and Genuine.
I want to be transparent. God Make me that way. Help me do so. Mold me into what you want me to be.
Authentic, Genuine, a vessel of the wonderful counselor's greatness and Glory.

GOD JUST HELP ME! BOETHIA!