Sleepless Nights

Junior year is tough, especially through all the events that occur. Darn this year is killing me. What a downhill spiral which i'm helpless to stop. Too many thoughts been flowing through my head. Failing at everything thing i do, becoming to lazy to attack the assignments required of me. Not prioritized. Thinking about my future. Becoming sad at the thoughts of people. Thinking of Sam and Ate Weng that died in the Philippines. People's birthday's coming up. Not getting enough sleep. Sleeping randomly. In class after pulling an all nighter for catching up on hw. Then pass out a whole day and miss the next days hw... Then memories diffuse into my head as i put a wall of memories upon my wall. Thinking about how the rest of this year will go, how next year will be. How church will be, how the youth will be. There are no more coordinators. The ending of New Wave Band and how no one cares. How busy people have become. How all i kinda want to do is sleep.. Its hard to find joy.. Wth, how will my life be.. Will i fall into complete school with a set of friends? I dont have time to support the church.. I ponder on my life. Will i backslide enough that i wont be prepared for the Philippines? will i be motivated enough to want to do stuff for God. Am i gonna be like that guy in Francis Chan's Fellowship Basic video that finds more family in his gang rather than church. Who will be my family? Darn why am i crying? how do i have enough energy to cry right now? Im running on a cup of coffee from 5 pm yesterday and a sleepless night. I should be studying for my worthless AP American and Calc test first and second period. I shouldnt be thinking of anything else.. If im supposed to listen to my parents your first priority is School. Church and friends and everything else comes second.... What is that supposed to mean? Why AM I SO CONFUSED right now?? Who's my foot hold in life? Who do i look to? Who can hear me? I dont know... Who is tangible that's not in a book form? Who can i guaranteed be able to hold in bed and say i love to? I have a wall full of these memories of school, of church, of God, Missions, Love, Jesus... I have music playing music. Now im reminded when i was in elementary school back in 4th and 5th grade after my first move. I'd wake up in bed rolling, dizzy, unable to know where i was, where i was going, who i was. Just rolling in anguish. Who can help me? I can't even help myself. Jason's life even seems more fun than this perpetual longing for more. What am i going to church for? to have lip service? to learn how to preach to entice people to believe what i believe? to sing music that all sounds the same? to possible raise my faith level so that im good enough for philippines so when i come back i can crash and finally be chill and give into my indwelling sin? Stealing, cheating, terrible language, lust, has sin really crept that much into my life already? Wanting to enjoy a real brawl to test out my strength, to pump up my own pride? Who am i? If i know i am nothing, why am i still trying to be something? To gain the appreciation and recognition of others? Watch me just escape back into my sports.. Its the release i have to all my stress. Running is different, i hate running. it forces you to think, but it's your mind telling the body to not to quit. You can run a few miles and think about your whole life. Wrestling you can exert all you force and be too tired to think. Thats probably why i love sports so much.
But darn. I sound so emo again. sorry for all those who loved my Summer post.. Im thinking too much again.