Blogging?

How deep do i really want to go with this blog? Down into the depths of my soul so i can hear the roar of the waterfall? Deep enough so i can yearn for streams of water like the deer that pants for it?
There are so many things holding onto my soul. A pull back and forth, swaying uncontrollably, shifting into this sequence of seasons and being captured and engulfed inside one. Losing myself in my own aspirations. Losing my foot hold, my identity that i should have in Christ in my ever continuing pursuit. How deep should i dive in with this blog? Should i use it for a place where i can spill my thoughts out like a bottle of ink, waiting to stain a paper? Am i using it for the purpose of replacing another? What is my purpose for this blog? Is the purpose for making myself cry in my own sensitivity, to rethink my steps, to rethink my life, to understand why i am on this earth? I dont want to be like one of those lost souls who just end up following the multitude to the house of the secular. I want to be remember the times of leading the multitude to the house of praise. With joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng. I need to understand myself. I need to rebuke myself just as King David done. Just memorizing these bible verses, knowing them by heart, sometimes carrying them out, but not affecting my heart in my dry seasons i have been experiencing more frequently. My soul runs dry? How often have i asked God to Make me a vessel in which i will be like flowing water. Like A vessel of encouragement that i will be encouraged? It seems like a one-sided agreement. How often have i heard, you will become a leader? And now at the current moment, that becoming a reality? Two of my favorite verses are in Psalms 42, and Psalms 1:3, as well as 2 Timothy 1:7. These verses are always in my heart soul and mind. However, these promises i hold on to so dearly still allow me to go through my seasons of drought. Its almost making me feel like i need to back away from everything. Let everything sit for a good week to get my mind straighten out. My life isn't reflecting what God wants. At least from my perspective, This doesnt seem like something God needs. He needs the
Fervent prayer of a righteous man. Not just a corporate prayer every friday where people are forced to come and pray with dry hearts. You cant force anyone to pray. Though prayer is the best solution to a dry spell. But its so hard to carry out.
He needs genuine hearts not just the ones who are in church all the time. From the experience i had in church my whole life. I've only saw a certain few in a pack of slums waiting to be fed. The certain few are the ones who are rising up without provoke. Just seeing the need, and accomplishing it, and growing in the process. I remember hearing that from somewhere. Its truth. There are just people coming to church cause they want friends. They need a community to hang out with, one just to hold events where blow up christians are pumped and deflated.
Those who begin to rise up not be burnt out within the beginning years: How often do all of us get burnt out from QUOTE "Work, BUSY" called being Buried Under Satans Yoke. We start seeing the fog in the path, we become fatigued, we become a campfire rained out. Piling new stresses doesnt cause growth within the youth. Or at least it doesnt cause growth in the YOUTH That Have Been There Longer than most leaders. I really dont see how over stretching becomes helpful. It is School crumbling, Parents yelling at me to complete school first, Parents yelling at how many events are in the Church. For Heavens sake, we are using more than 300$ in less than half a year. Thats way more than our chinese new year money, at least for me. Its crippling to begin with so much burden.
We also need the people who are transparent: The ones able to be see through in and out of church. Those able to be looked up upon. Not in a holy sense like Pastors. Not like ohh hes here or shes here, so lets just pray guys. Look good in front of people.
I know by blogging this, you may say, "You do this" I sometimes dont know myself, enough to lead myself. How am i sometimes capable to lead others? How am i capable when i can barely say a phrase clearly enough for a crowd to have one person say "Repeat that?" All i am is a sensitive person that God Promises to become a leader. I want to lead the multitude, i need God to Direct my path by being my lamp. Dont mistake this the wrong way, sometimes i dont feel called to be in EMC. I'm supposed to go out of "CHURCH" walls. NOT IN But OUT. Or it may just be my current sight of everything. I think too much for my own good as many people i know. I just express it in a way i either seem cocky, blown up, stupid, and awkward. I'm not that charismatic, maybe with adults and older leaders, just hard to lead peers who can probably not give a load.
I'm Still figuring out the purpose of this blog. Am i really using it as a replacement for a person, should i just type these up as drafts and continue bottling it in. My Next post is ready. Its called "Things to Blog About" It just me in my current situation. I'm contemplating on posting it. I feel it over exposes me but since i know that if i post it now, it will become my testimony in the future to furthering God's Kingdom. I'm so burnt out and exhausted.