Sleepless Nights

Junior year is tough, especially through all the events that occur. Darn this year is killing me. What a downhill spiral which i'm helpless to stop. Too many thoughts been flowing through my head. Failing at everything thing i do, becoming to lazy to attack the assignments required of me. Not prioritized. Thinking about my future. Becoming sad at the thoughts of people. Thinking of Sam and Ate Weng that died in the Philippines. People's birthday's coming up. Not getting enough sleep. Sleeping randomly. In class after pulling an all nighter for catching up on hw. Then pass out a whole day and miss the next days hw... Then memories diffuse into my head as i put a wall of memories upon my wall. Thinking about how the rest of this year will go, how next year will be. How church will be, how the youth will be. There are no more coordinators. The ending of New Wave Band and how no one cares. How busy people have become. How all i kinda want to do is sleep.. Its hard to find joy.. Wth, how will my life be.. Will i fall into complete school with a set of friends? I dont have time to support the church.. I ponder on my life. Will i backslide enough that i wont be prepared for the Philippines? will i be motivated enough to want to do stuff for God. Am i gonna be like that guy in Francis Chan's Fellowship Basic video that finds more family in his gang rather than church. Who will be my family? Darn why am i crying? how do i have enough energy to cry right now? Im running on a cup of coffee from 5 pm yesterday and a sleepless night. I should be studying for my worthless AP American and Calc test first and second period. I shouldnt be thinking of anything else.. If im supposed to listen to my parents your first priority is School. Church and friends and everything else comes second.... What is that supposed to mean? Why AM I SO CONFUSED right now?? Who's my foot hold in life? Who do i look to? Who can hear me? I dont know... Who is tangible that's not in a book form? Who can i guaranteed be able to hold in bed and say i love to? I have a wall full of these memories of school, of church, of God, Missions, Love, Jesus... I have music playing music. Now im reminded when i was in elementary school back in 4th and 5th grade after my first move. I'd wake up in bed rolling, dizzy, unable to know where i was, where i was going, who i was. Just rolling in anguish. Who can help me? I can't even help myself. Jason's life even seems more fun than this perpetual longing for more. What am i going to church for? to have lip service? to learn how to preach to entice people to believe what i believe? to sing music that all sounds the same? to possible raise my faith level so that im good enough for philippines so when i come back i can crash and finally be chill and give into my indwelling sin? Stealing, cheating, terrible language, lust, has sin really crept that much into my life already? Wanting to enjoy a real brawl to test out my strength, to pump up my own pride? Who am i? If i know i am nothing, why am i still trying to be something? To gain the appreciation and recognition of others? Watch me just escape back into my sports.. Its the release i have to all my stress. Running is different, i hate running. it forces you to think, but it's your mind telling the body to not to quit. You can run a few miles and think about your whole life. Wrestling you can exert all you force and be too tired to think. Thats probably why i love sports so much.
But darn. I sound so emo again. sorry for all those who loved my Summer post.. Im thinking too much again.

God you know all things,

and i know, since im reading the book of Romans due to Pastor Sang, the famous verse

Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose"
He knows of the 9:2
"I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart"

God help me, and the people around me.

10-13-11 12:27 AM

Today:
-School
-Missed Cross Country Meet
-Posters for Homecoming/ Pep rally
-Aerial attempt.
-Got home at 9pm.
-Fine until 11:50 pm.

Importance of One.

LIFE SUCKS
Haha
Now question is?
"How do i make it not suck for myself?"

Its so easy to point out the short comings in each and every aspect of life.
So easy to throw a cover, a scrim over our eyes on the solutions.
So easy to cast down each and every solution possibly made before it is attempted.
Not leaving a vestigial sense of hope to leech on to.
Our inimical attitude toward our surrounding. Self-centered must be the word.Our evanescent existence slowly fading as we allow ourselves to juxtapose a utopia to imperfection.
A wall, layering oneself within. How is one supposed to break down the wall. A juggernaut is not always gonna come and break it down for one.
So easy to point fingers. Call ourselves unable to do anything, while the power of a human upon another, can drain or empower.
The example of pile of coals. Cannot burn unless ignited. True so that the power of the holy spirit should be our flame. Intrinsically we are meant to burn. Shine light. However, if the coals all decide to be drenched in water, it acts as such of an open faucet upon any spark that comes within us. We may impinge on those who desire to burn as a wildfire.
Attitude. Attitude. Attitude.
Following the multitude into the depths of uncertainty, unwillingness to do work, frivolousness, burning out as everyone has gone though, phases in life is something i have not escaped. When a spark comes, no matter how small it is. It can be tended, encouraged, magnified, imbued, filled with exuberance (which if i was able to articulate all these words in my speech i'd be joyous beyond belief). Ones presence can encourage, such as Barnabas living out his life as encouragement, support, and make ones life easier, or discourage and all fail.

Quick notes: Thank you Sasha for my painful finger tips. For being one to spark some joy in guitar playing. Your presence was able to let me enjoy and endure through some pain. Ending my torpor or inertia or my dismissive attitude toward my ability to play. Just one example how a human life an affect another.

Excuse my vocabulary. I'm attempting to expand it and possibly use it like Easter uses in her everyday speech. Another example of how one may affect another.

Pastor Sang, actually pretty encouraging sometimes to do things. I gotta admit one man's passion for what he does goes a long way. I won't forget the time you tried to parkour the church hallway in attempt to make me read the book of Romans. Which i will read a few chapters now. You almost died for the sake of on soul to read a book for their own benefit. Thanks. Another classic example of ones effect upon another.

I can probably go on and on about those important to my life. I guess if you want one or want to know what difference you made in my life. Text me or email me. I'll know how many people read this by the amount of blog traffic i get haha.

One of the main points of this blog post. Importance of one life, one soul and their ability to change lives no matter how negligible or catastrophic. A choice is always open, to uplift, or degrade, or to be stagnant and cause others to do the same.

Future Wife, Im Sorry.

Im really upset. For two years now... From October 17, 2009 to 4:50 PM September 9, 2011. I'm really sorry future wife. I was wearing it daily for you. I know I probably have yet to know you, or love you. Just i know you are out there, I will love you dearly. Saving myself for you. I wore that ring daily since October 17th, 2009 to now... barely a day ever skipped.

-I wore it for sleeping, knowing that you'll be next to me one day.
-I wore when i showered, being clean.
-i wore it during Gym in school for the past two years,
-i wore it to church every sunday, cause i know you'll be Christian.
-i wore it Cross Country, knowing i'll be prepping my heart and mind to persist anything we may go through.
-i wore it for Wrestling, that i'll be strong to protect you.
-i even wore it for tennis, but thats just cause i wanted you with me.
-i wore it playing guitar, eating, studying, anything. I am saving myself.
-i brought it across countries, i never thought i'd travel... To Philippines, Taiwan, DR.. Washington DC, All across america.. I wanted to let others know that im waiting for you.
-i know it's just a scrap of silver, but it was something i was holding dearly to my heart. Why else would i wait these hundreds of days. To do everything you can possibly think of. I love you future wife. The ring was also all scratched up, so you had proof i kept you with me. I'm sorry i lost it. I even have a tan line on my ring finger.. I dont know how long that is gonna last. I hope to meet you soon. I'll still be waiting, even though i have no ring.

GOD PLEASE HELP ME FIND MY RING SOON :'(

To my future wife, and God answer me please :(,

Future husband :)

Summer

I havent blogged in a while again. Seems like everyone has pretty much stopped.
There is no one stuffing this down our throats to do it. It's no longer homework.

What did we use this blog for to begin with? For our QTs and our weekly lives. Let's start it back up can we?

So what i want to blog about is my summer. And shout outs to friends :)

What do i have planned for the summer?
1. Summer Wrestling (optional 4 days a week)
2. Select Choral Rehearsals and Sectionals (Once a week, if we are not on vacation)
3. Dominican Republic Mission 2011 from July 25th-30th
4. Church
5. Hanging out
6. Events
7. Talking to Friends, Catching up.
8. Etc. Chillen at Home

I miss you Gloria, Rebekah, Kelley! Hope you guys come back soon :)

Hmm

What to blog about today??....

Nothing emotional today i hope. (For those who say they cry every time i write something)
I want something possibly encouraging, whether by words of wisdom or anything.
But first things first,
I am extremely sunburn... I feel like ANNIE CHEN.. AHH.
-my face
-legs
-arms
-shoulders
-shins
-back
-neck
ALL HURT >:(
I feel like a red indian. That sounds kinda racist, but thats how i feel. Monday 6/27/11

I want to cover some other topics as well.

       Since summer has started, as least for me, while others are in school right now, picking up their report cards. A load of school work has been lifted. And as many of you all know, that school work and extracurricular activities strained me to the point of complaint and struggle. Summer feels liberating. But even so, all this freedom that is given to us now, must come with responsibility.... JUST Kidding haha. Summer is short, the whole year is short and time is short. Next year will start soon. For the freshman, they will become sophomores. Sophomores to become Juniors. Juniors to Seniors. And Seniors become High School Grads. I'm excited for this summer. Though for the last 16 years of my life, much has changed and I'm uncertain for the future. I wouldn't want to live just day by day either. Neither looking towards the past. Its certainly looking towards the future, using the past as stepping stones, the present as another step. All that's needed is to persevere till our time is done.

       Life is life, we should enjoy our time. Look at the creation set before us. The beautiful beaches of cyclic waves. The birds at dawn, chirping at the sun to arise. Singing, flying, dancing, though things are dying. The trees blow with the ever endless wind. Gracefully swaying as everything has a time and seemed to have dimmed. The clouds fly as the wind gently blows. Moving along the sky as the as the day begins to flow. A time of summer has come forth where joy should spring, instead of fall, and winter should not have a ball. Look around us, the trees, the sun, the water, the animals and all creation is before us. Whats to be depressed about? Smile, look today the sun is out, don't look back, and do not pout.

       Let's enjoy the day today, for today is fading and tomorrow will say hey. It takes 47 muscles in the face to frown, and only 13 to smile. If anyone wants wrinkles, continue frowning. I'm tired of the world trying to make me frown. Just look up, i don't see enough to make me drown. I will choose to look at the positive, and be effective on the world. To make a smile infectious, to become contagious. 

Encouraging I hope. So end that mope.

AH This life.

Why do i seem to want to curse life?
I'm so ******* tired..
friday was normal,
saturday was fun,
sunday f*ed my whole week up.
monday it got worse,
tuesday, i got a splitting head ache, and now i can barely open my eyes, or stop this runny nose.
I might not go to school tomorrow.
WHAT THE *. I'm so tired. I cant do any work, I hate this.I feel like giving up on everything.